there are people out there who have seen true horrors.
who have a reason for not wanting to go on anymore.
and then there is me.
i have a loving family and great friends.
and i still find reasons to hate my life.
still find a reason to cry each night.
what is wrong with me?

i think that the reason that i like the joker so much is because i relate to him.
i put the laughter in slaughter.
i always keep a smile on this face to hide the tortured soul. even when i don't want to.
i am insane.
but the reason that he hasn't taken over me is because i have batman inside of me too.
i keep my true identity hidden.
i have to be strong for everyone else's sake.
i am whatever you need me to be. whether you need me to be a villain or a friend. a hero or a shoulder to cry on. i will always be whatever i need to be in order to survive. in order to help you survive.
i am gotham city.
who will win in the long run?

i am a lover and a fighter.
these emotions cannot coexist.
i will self destruct before i get the chance to live.

i want my foot on the gas and a thousand miles between me and here.
i want to run and never have to look back.
i want to escape from everything.
i want a moment alone to figure myself out.
i will be famous. i know it.
whether it is for being a mass muderer or for my voice, people will know my name.
i am determined.

i love how you say "it's only money" but you're also the cheapest person i know.
but that's okay, you're not as big of a contradiction as i am.
i am waiting for someone to notice me. to notice how far from okay i really am.
even when i break down, no one seems to see or care.
best friends? fuck you. you barely know me.

"would you please either make up your mind or leave me alone?"
just waiting for you.

"i'm obsessed and stressed with this mess, i can't think of things..."
exactly how i feel.

my life is defined by quotes.

"return to sender--not at this address"

vacant smile and no emotion in my eyes.
a cool voice and a polite offer of coffee.
this is what i have become.

looking forward to getting out of the state if it means that i don't have to think about you.
not looking forward to how i'm getting out.
i want a full tank and my foot on the gas.
i want to go 125 mph and never look back.
i want to run and never have to see this town again.
"go outside and get some fresh air."
oh how i wish that i could.

what would you have me do?
i try and put some distance between us, and you hate me.
i try and make amends, and you accuse me of playing with your emotions.
i don't see a middle ground here.
"peace sign without the index finger."

maybe i was right in telling you to fuck off.

alone and cold on a hot summer's day.

maybe freezing is my internal temperature.

or maybe it's just this cold shoulder i'm giving you.

either way, it works for me.

i am a monster.

i am so tired of this.
of the way that we are, the way that we always are either at odds or warily (almost) together.
of pretending for everyone else's sake that i'm alright.
i hate the lies, the pretending. it makes my life so much harder to live with. all my happiness, almost everything that i say is a lie. and i hate it.
i hate how you either want all or nothing. and when you have all, we always find a way to fuck it up.
i hate how you ignore me. it's like a slap to the face when i'm walking by and everyone tells you to say something to me and you don't. when i walk by and hope that you'll at least look at me and you don't. i hate it. it's driving me insane. i already feel guilty enough without you making things worse. i can't be within the same football stadium as you voluntarily. i hate it.
i hate this feeling. how much that i want to be done with you or just be what we should be. i hate not being able to stand being within the same state as you without wanting to die. i hate this guilt, this anger. i hate the way that you make me feel. and yet i love it. i'd be lying if i said that it wasn't easier or more fun to just hate the world. or just one person. i am such a masochist. i am a monster.

i am a monster. and i can't be changed back into a human on my own.

is it so selfish to need someone to love me?
i know i am not perfect.
i am not pretty or charming or nice or sweet.
but i'm a person too.
and it kills me to be this way.
can no one find it in themselves to love me?

i am alive. i am me.
i'm not what you want me to be.
i'm not so perfect as you'd like to see.
but then, i don't really care
i can't be anyone else
i'll never change myself just for you
because you're insignificant too.
and someday, it'd be nice to be loved
"keep dreaming."
and that's what i intend to do.

this summer.

this summer is the summer of sleep.
the summer of goodbyes
of sadness
anger
new beginnings
getting away.
it is the summer that i have to face my worst fears.

"this is how we'll be. oh glory."

all this goddamned shit has been going on in my mind and i cannot think or feel.
too much shit going on in my life.
i am stressed, sleep deprived, hungry, and alone.
i feel like something good might happen if i let it.
but of course not.
he only has eyes for you, and i kind of wish that it wasn't true.
i mean, i understand. who could see me when you're standing right here?
always stealing the spotlight. i am overlooked and underappreciated.
fuck that.
i want to be seen, heard, felt.
i want to be loved genuinely.
i get that you're so much better than me, that you're perfect. but would it kill people to see me once in a while?

you're two at a time
and everything seems fine
but when i'm alone no one seems to see
they just let their eyes pass over me
always overlooked and you never care
is it really any wonder that i never want to be there?
i lock myself in my room, cry myself to sleep
and you never even notice, you don't hear a peep
is this how my life is going to be?
always an image and never me?

just in case you're wondering, you're wrong.
you cannot read me like you thought you could.
you do not know me and you never will.
you don't even care, and i guess that's how it'll be.
we are not sisters, we are just girls.
we are not family, we are strangers.
don't you get it?
you will never know who i am or how i feel or what i think.
you will never want to know.
and i believe that is the saddest part of all.
because while you're denying it with every word, i know that you aren't blind.
so stop playing the fool.
step off of the stage because you are not an actress.
i can see right through you.
you are not the brick wall you try to be. you are as transparent as glass.
and since you so desperately want to, you can quit. because you were never a player in the game. or so you would have me believe.
deep down, i know that there was never a chance with you standing in the spotlight.
there was never a chance for me to shine. never a chance for me to steal the show for once. but i was naive enough to believe that you might actually give me a fighting chance for once. silly me. after all, how was i to know that you were playing a dog-eat-dog game, and i let you tie me up and roast me over the fucking fire?

i mean, what the fuck have i ever done to you in the first place?
all of this year, i thought we were friends. i thought that us hanging out and having a good time meant something. i actually am really sad about you leaving.
but i guess that it was all another game. another trick.
because you are actually ready to leave me behind. you're ready to cut me deep and then pour an entire pound of salt in the wound. you're ready to leave me in the dust, and you're ready to take me down with claw and tooth if necessary.
and i should've seen this coming.
i mean honestly, what did i expect?
that we would be the best friends i had always dreamed we would become?
that everything was going to get better and you'd change your mind and stay here with me?
that you'd be willing to step out of the way and willingly let me have something that i actually want for once?
that you'd actually be nice to me or get closer to me just because we're sisters?
who was i kidding?
we are nothing but two girls who live in the same house.
you still "have to beat me in a race."
but when you said that, i didn't think that you actually meant the rest of our lives.
i guess i should've looked more closely.

o s, hpomh piy pg ,u ,omf

sometimes i want to live life without you in it.
i want to be normal again.
"this isn't your week."
try "this isn't your life."
i want to pound my head against the keyboard
and maybe then you'll read what i've written
because i just can't seem to get through to you anymore
this is me talking to myself again
this is me going clinically insane.
i kind of wish you could see me:
frustrated beyond belief
anxious
afraid
hurting
i cannot sit still and i cannot focus.
i feel like i should be institutionalised.
i want to run away and never look back
keep my foot on the pedal and not stop for anything.
crash into the car in front of me and never regret a thing.

"who would miss me if i died?"
"who would miss me?"
what's the point anymore?
what's the point in trying if it gets me nowhere?
you know this is all talk, that i'd never be able to do anything.
that i'd never let myself crack that much.
i may be unhinged, but not completely.
you know that i'm too afraid to do anything more than contemplate.
sometimes i wish that you didn't, though.

second star to the right?
not on your life.
try one to the left
and maybe you'll guess.
this is what i've become.
are you happy i'm so numb?

the spreading cold.

lately, i've been just numb
so fucking numb
i can't feel anything but pain
can't see anything but what's right in front of me
caged in by the light and the bars
the only emotion i've had for what seems like decades was the flicker of happiness the other day
and even that wasn't enough for me.
what is the point anymore if it won't matter in the long run?
what is the point of doing my homework and being a good girl if it doesn't count for anything?
so tired
so numb
so lost
help me find my way home.
this might be a cry for a savior
or perhaps i should just stay lost
never found
always broken
you are near to my heart even when i say i don't care.
or whatever's left of my heart for what it's worth.
there is a coldness inside of me
creeping through my bones
covering my heart and my lungs with a veil of frost.
i cannot feel.
i cannot think.
i cannot hope to get rid of it.
i can only stand by helplessly and let it take over my life.
this is what i have become.
are you happy now?
i'm so numb.

sometimes, i don't want to be saved.
i want to stay this way
i want to be messed up and a mystery
i want to seem sad and unapproachable

it's too goddamned hot.
i can't think. i can barely breathe. i need to take another fucking shower.
the head is melting my brain and my will to go on
with my homework, with my useless existence.
with you.
this whole "who said what" thing is getting really fucking old.
it's time for you guys to stop hiding in the fucking anonymity and come out. i don't care what you say, just have the guts to say it to my fucking face.

i had the greatest line earlier.
too bad i forgot it.

living life between the lines.
have i ever stopped to think that maybe living on the line would be so much more fun?
lately, i've been thinking less about academics and more about what i really want to do.
it may be irrational and totally and utterly childish and stupid, but i know now that i cannot have any other job. i will never be satisfied with a boring life. i need the excitement. i need the unpredictability.
i need to do something for me for once, and not just try to make everyone else happy.
this is about the most selfish i have ever felt. and this the best i've felt about myself in a long time. it might be strange that i also want to cry now. because i feel like i'm being horrible for wanting to let everyone down.
so much potential. too bad it's going to be wasted on something as trivial as the only thing i've ever wanted for myself.

"i miss you." what a load of fucking bullshit.
if you missed me, you never would've given up our friendship just because it didn't evolve into something more like you imagined that it would.
so what? your stupid plan blew up in your face, and now you think it's alright to blow me off, and then come crawling back to me and pretend that we're still friends?
fuck off, i don't really care anymore. well i actually do, but i'm trying not to.
just because you think it's fun to mess with our lives doesn't mean that i agree. you can do whatever you want with yourself, just leave me alone.

"we all deserve to die"

it's too quiet in this house
we don't even try to hide it
but we need you back around
we need someone to fight the silence
we are nothing without you here
so please come home

i am so naive to think that you actually give a damn about me
you're leaving and you're never looking back
i'm just the kid you'd hang out with sometimes
and i never really got that until now

maybe this is just my pessimistic nature,
because i know i'll always see you around
but still.
it feels like it'll be an eternity without you.

"this is the way the world ends. not with a bang but a whimper"

all i have become is an excuse.

i will not show my defeat
i will not back down
i will not surrender
i will not whimper.
i will rage and advance and pretend that i'm under control.
whine and complain and fight.
i will do everything in my power to refrain from admitting my demise.
i would have you believe that i am strong, independent, creative, smart.
but that's all just a lie. a mask.
and i wish i could just say, "halloween's over," and take the mask off, but it's not so simple as that.

is it sad how i wait up to talk to you each night, but i only think of him beside me as i fall asleep?
is it sad that i'm still thinking of him?
this is wrong. i am not supposed to be thinking like this.
i scorn and despise him. i am incapable of loving him.
and yet, something draws me closer.
damn this heart of mine.
it will get me into a lot of trouble one day.
well, more than it already has, i suppose.

i am a mess. i am lost.
no matter how carefully put together i look, i am all jumbled on the inside.
no matter how calm i seem, i am calling for a savior from the chaos beneath it all.
i act reassuring, but all i really need is someone to reassure me.
i should get over my pride and ask for someone's help.
show a little weakness in order for someone to care about me.
but i am so used to figuring things out and dealing with things on my own, and i can't just let someone see inside of me. not when i worked so hard to put up these walls and keep everyone out.
i am afraid of crying in public. terrified of the pity stares and the confusion and the questions. scared that everyone will see that i am weak, that i am just like everyone else. because i love being a superhero.
and yet i feel closer to tears each day as i go out of my room.
i feel the lump in my throat building and the tears stinging my eyes. and i try to push it all to the back of my mind and try to be happy and normal for your sake. but it doesn't work.
i don't have normal conversations, preferring to watch from the sidelines. i space out more than i should, losing myself in my worries and my thoughts. i am afraid that i am worrying you, though i'm probably not. and i'm not sure which hurts more.
time is running out. i can sense it. there is a chasm inside of me that is widening with each breath that i take, with each tear that i don't shed. i am slowly consumed by the darkness day by day. i carry it all on my shoulders, all by myself. i want to leave my worries at the door, but never seem to be able to.
i am getting goosebumps in 80 degree heat. i am crawling further into my shell, desperately trying to fend off the cold inside of me. and by doing so, i am alienating myself from everyone around me, everyone that has (n)ever cared.
i fall asleep trembling and wake up unable to open my eyes.
i am incomprehensible even to myself, and i cannot stand it.
i know that something is coming. i can just feel it. something will break this calm. or this storm. whichever way you want to look at it. but something will change. be it for better or worse, i have no clue. but it terrifies me either way.

i am always hungry and always tired.
i am a prisoner and a refugee. a patient in my own home, minus the freedom of leaving.
i want to scream and cry and make a huge scene, i want to do something rash. i want to hurt or break or destroy something. but i don't have the energy to do anything but type/write about it.

i have a constant headache and heartache. though i'm not too sure if it's my heart or my lungs or my bones or my muscles causing it. and neither are they, so it doesn't really matter what the cause is. all i know is that it constantly hurts near my heart beyond belief. i wake up in the middle of the night, crying and writhing and trying desperately not to shriek in pain for fear of waking everyone else. it hurts to just think about it. and it is slowly destroying me. that is the reason for me being tired. i cry myself to sleep because it hurts so much. i wake up in the middle of the night, gasping and sobbing and biting my cheeks and grinding my teeth and rubbing my feet together so i can forget the pain. that is the slow torture i am put through each day. that is why i bite my cheek so much, why i clench my hands into fists, why i bite my lips and close my eyes. i am trying to forget about how much it hurts, trying not to let you see how much pain i am in. this is what is killing me, if not physically then mentally at least.

the pain of you knowing is sometimes greater than the pain of you not knowing. because what would you really do if i told you? you would probably treat me like i was even more fragile. like a child. i would never be left alone, you would all hover. and you would all speak of me in hushed tones at the times that you'd think i couldn't hear. and that would kill me. i cannot stand your pity, be it fake or genuine. that is the one thing that will hurt me more than not caring.

this is possibly the most optimistic i've seemed to be in a long time.

sitting on the couch watching you play legend of zelda.
pretending to be doing my homework.
eating something unsatisfying.
is this what my life has become?
i'm always hungry nowadays.
nothing seems to fill me up.
no matter how much i eat, i am still hungry and empty.
"oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me. and it's torment you put me through..."

"you think that having older friends makes you smarter, more mature. but the truth is, you're just a kid like the rest of us, having to deal with the same stuff that we do."
and you're right. i'm not smarter or more mature, and i do have to deal with shit. every day. and it hurts so much sometimes that i just want to cry. but having older friends makes me realize that things can be okay again. things won't always be this way. i won't always have to deal with the same shit that i have to deal with now. i won't have to worry about high school and what people think of me and grades and all that stupid shit. things will be better one day. so i should just stop feeling sorry for myself, get off my lazy ass, and accomplish something already. but i know deep down that i won't stop feeling sorry for myself, because i'm so wrapped up in myself. i won't get off of my ass, and i won't accomplish anything at this moment in life, because i'm not motivated. it's just the simple truth. i am not going to grow up any faster than you are, so don't be afraid that you're falling behind. all will be right in your little world again. i know how you hate being one step behind me.

i'm beginning to be afraid again. i'm hurting and scared and just not myself anymore. again.
i don't want you to worry, but i want you to care. i don't get how that's supposed to work either, but tell me when you figure it out.
i am so afraid that i'm going to run out of time. that i won't be able to accomplish everything that i want to.
and i so desperately want to know what is wrong with me, and yet i similarly don't want to know. i think that if i knew that i was dying, it might inspire me in some ways to get a move on with what i want to do, but it might depress me even more. i'm afraid that if i knew, i wouldn't want to go on anymore. that i wouldn't have a reason to try to accomplish anything, that i'd just laze around the house and never do anything. i don't want to be the one who was forgotten, who let life slow her down.
i want to be remembered, i want to make a mark on this world, and yet i'm so afraid of where it will take me. i'm afraid that i won't have any friends, that i won't actually make it, that i'd grow to be so afraid of everyone that i wouldn't be able to trust anymore.

i don't know where this road that i'm headed on is going to take me, but i hope to god that it's somewhere that i want to be. and i'm going to follow it, even if it means giving up my life. i am devoted to something bigger than i am, a feeling that is too big for me. i want to share it with the whole world. i want to be something bigger than i am right now. i'm not making much sense, but i have it somewhat figured out in my head.

this is insanity. this is life.

sick of being sick
bored out of my mind.
is it just me or am i starting to get another fever?
whatever, i'm so over this.
that seems to be my new theme: being over stuff.

constantly trembling.
i don't know if it's from the fear
the hunger
the exhaustion
the boredom
the anxiety
the stupidity.
but it's always there
a reminder of my frailty.

"please stop hyperventilating
it'll all be okay in a while
just calm yourself down for now
it'll all be over soon, we can go on pretending like you're ok."
but i can't stop these tears from escaping
i can't pretend that i'm not scared
i cannot stay calm with this needle in my arm
i can't pretend the hospital bracelet's not there.

"so it seems i'm someone i've never met."
apparently, i'm wonderful
i'm awful
i'm a saint and a sinner
i'm every goddamned thing you could possibly think of
all at once.
nobody loves me, everyone just likes their impression of me;
their idea of how they think i am
but no one really knows me
that is something i think i will have to take to my grave.
but i hope to god that i won't.

i am afraid of you. of all of you.
i don't show it, but i am.
i am afraid of your reactions, of your criticism, of your thoughts.
i always want to hope that deep down, i'm wrong about you
but i never am.
and that's what kills me inside sometimes.

i want to go out and interact with people
i want to walk around and feel ok
i want to be ok
is that so hard to imagine?
a world where i am not angry and sad and annoyed by everything?
where little things don't set me off and big things don't make me want to die?
where nothing is too big for someone else to help me with?
my body is wracked by coughs
and it is hurting from the illness and something else that we can't quite grasp yet
my soul is aching from the many times it's been torn down and rebuilt
my heart is breaking from the times that you have crashed into it.
is everyone happy now?
you have all created an existence for me that i would rather not have anymore.
you have made me numb and totally defenseless
you have made me uncaring and ruthless
you have made me what i am today
i can't even imagine happiness without thinking that someone will ruin it.
are you satisfied now?

i think that i can now be classified as legally insane. i'm talking to myself and in two different minds all the time.
thanks for that, by the way.

please, do stop by sometime.
i'd love to hear everything that's wrong with me.
not really, but i'll pretend to for your sake.
because it's never about me, is it?

over it.

you are not the reason behind the sorrow in my eyes or the tears that i cried.
there is other stuff that does not concern you in my life.
this is what moving on looks like.
are you afraid that maybe i'm the one who's more confident this time around?
are you afraid that maybe i'm over you?

here's a newsflash: i'm done with you.


someone make my life into an 80s power ballad.

"stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me"

amidst everything else, you keep coming back into my life.
i'm worried, i'm freaking out, i'm stressed
and you seem to make it all worse.
and it kind of hurts how you keep saying you "like" my sister.
i mean, come on.
you know that i'm still confused about us.
if there even is an us.
you're sending me weird signals
one day you won't leave me alone
the next you're avoiding me
and then you get mad because i don't understand you?
well fuck you.
you're too confusing, and you're just wasting my time.
yeah i said it.
YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.
i'm done trying to understand you.
i know i've said this before, but i am really going to try to forget about you.
you don't matter anymore.
does it hurt?

everything is flooding back to me.
the way that you liked me and i refused to like you, because i was afraid that i would ruin us.
the way that i ended up liking you anyways.
the way that we were almost something.
and then the way that we weren't anything.
and how we were almost something again.
and then how we were both stupid (but it was mostly you...sorry, but it's true. how could you say that what i said didn't mean anything? fuck you, i'm done).
how we were almost something AGAIN.
and then how everything just kind of ended.
how i was doing so well at forgetting about you.
and now, the way that you want me in your life, but you don't.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
i've already made up mine.
i love how you said you wanted to be friends, and then you pushed me away.
we are too alike and not alike for our own good.
you frustrate me; i frustrate you. you annoy me; i annoy you. we balance, and yet we don't.
you are so confusing, and so simple.
a fucking enigma that i can't wrap my brain around.
well, i'm done with trying now.

my entire life is a blur.
confusion, anxiety, stress, fear, and just a smidge of happiness and hope.
everything is starting to crumble
and i know that everyone can tell
but no one dares to offer a helping hand
thanks a fucking bunch for that, by the way.
best fucking friends my ass.

i want to run away to somewhere less confusing, i want a life that is less scary and stressful, i want a world that is less crazy and evil. i want something good for once.
starting to get my life in order. just in case i don't make it. just in case i don't have the guts to do what i want. just in case.
always have a back up plan just in case i chicken out.
how's that for self-confidence?

i want to cry. every second of every day. i want to bawl my eyes out and see if anyone cares.
i am lost in the lost and found, i am alone in the crowd, i have nightmares of a normal life, i am cold in the middle of july.
i am wrong in every possible way.
i am a demon and a monster for always.
can't you see?
you chose the wrong person when you chose me.
i am raising hell and i'm bringing heaven down
i am hurt and confused and scared of everything that's around
what is wrong with me?

"everything means nothing"

the city sleeps in oblivious peace.
i want to blow it into oblivion.
i want it to feel the same way i feel on a daily basis.
the quiet lull
the calm before the storm
the heat before the winter
the last struggle
what is it all worth after all is said and done?
you and i were always the calm and the storm that follows.
i don't know what we are now.
i know that you want something that i just can't give to you.
i want to be happy, i want to feel normal.
but this just isn't right
and we'd be kidding ourselves if we tried to make it work.
i cannot function in perfection.
i always say that i want to be happy, but i always end up hurting myself.
i guess it's my body's way of protecting itself.
either that or the self-destruct button.
whichever works best.

i am still scared.
and you still don't care.
trying to keep a brave face for everyone else around me
doing my best to keep my cool when i'm totally not cool
trying to seem alright so you don't know that i'm freaking out
because you so obviously don't care.
it's not keeping me up at night anymore because i can't afford to lose sleep.
it's not making me cry anymore because i've run out of tears.
it's strange how one can grow used to hurting and being afraid.
how i can just go on with my life and pretend i'm alright.
but this, more than anything else that is happening in my life or has happened recently, is the single scariest thing in my mind.
and it's so much easier to just push it away.
it makes me want to make it even more now.
i want to do all of the things that i have dreamed about.
i want to make something of my life before it's over.
because that day seems like it's looming in the not-so-distant future.
i am so scared that each day will be my last.
so tired of doing the same shit that i do every day when i could be doing something great.
so frustrated that i'm stuck here, too afraid to voice my dreams, and not actually going after them, but just doing mundane tasks.
trying to speak out, but no one wants to listen.
trying to make myself heard, but there's no one around to hear.
i really know how to clear a room.
now more than ever, i either want to be normal or radically different.
i want my jar of dirt.
i want your heart next to mine, no matter how much i say that i don't.
i want to tell everyone everything that i think about them and not have to be afraid of the consequences.
more than anything, i want to live the rest of this life without being afraid.
no more fear of the past, of the future, of the present
of the inevitable, ever-present sense of death hanging over me
of what might happen if i did something
i'm tired of being a coward, of living behind this mask and costume
i could never play the hero, i could never do what bruce wayne does.
i'm sick of pretending that i'm the person you all want me to be.
NEWSFLASH: the only reason you like me is because i'm not who you all think i am.
i am not cool, calm, collected, strong, smart, pretty, whatever the fuck you all think. i am a scared, insane, selfish, dying little girl who just wants to curl up in bed and have her daddy chase the monsters away. i am a bad influence, a bad person in general. i am my own monster. i am the most insane person you will ever meet. or maybe i am the most sane person ever, and i am stuck in a loony bin, labelled as being too boring, too normal, too good to be true. i am running away from everything that you're all being herded towards, swimming against the crowd. i am godzilla and i am tokyo. "i am a treasure chest filled with trash."
the only thing i want is to stay home and make cookies all day. i want to watch ferris bueller's day off and aladdin until my eyes are aching and my head is reeling and my skin is pasty and my ears are falling off. i want to run away from what i am sure is the verdict in this court case life. i want to leave you all wondering, i want to make you all think. i want to be bigger than you ever imagined. i want to blow you away, and maybe i would like to be happy one day. or rather, maybe i will let myself be happy one day.
everything is only appearances. people only think that i am happy because they don't look deep enough. they see the friends, the family, the school, the clothes, the house, and they think, "well that girl might want some things, but she surely doesn't need much. she must be happy." well here's the truth: i never asked for any of this. i've never deserved this, and it's driving me insane living in this house, this neighborhood, with these fake and annoying people and pretending that i fit in. i am manic. i am on the verge of depression. i can probably be classified as clinically insane. but none of that matters, because i don't appear to be any of those things. i seem happy because i smile. i seem smart because i read. i don't seem needy because my parents are great providers. but they don't realize that i'm not happy, i'm not a genius, and that i'm a selfish little pig. i destroy everything that i come in contact with. i am the biggest train wreck you'll ever meet. and that's exactly what draws people to me like a fly is drawn to flypaper. i am a trap. and i'm sort of thankful, because no one wants to see the train that runs like it should. everyone wants to see a tragedy. but that's not really an invitation to look in through the windows of my sheltered house of glass.
i am repeating myself. i am contradicting myself.
i tell you to save me, then i tell you to fuck off. i can't make up my mind.
i wish someone would just tell me what i want, what i'm supposed to do. just like they used to when i was young.
i want to cry, but i'm too afraid you'll see. and we wouldn't want anyone to find out i'm human, would we?
but i know that the only people who will ever read this don't know me, don't care about me, probably won't even remember me. and that is my goal in life. i want you to remember me when i am gone.

"and when her edges soften, her body is my coffin"

breathing on a schedule
have to ration this air
savoring each breath like it's my last
only living when it's convenient.
only want to be around others so i can pretend i'm okay.
only want to be alone because i can't pretend anymore.
i live for pretending.
always screaming on the inside
out of terror, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever.
i am a constant scream.
i want to go to the top of a hill and just let it all out
life rushes around me and i am stuck in this feeling of helplessness.
too caught up in everything else to care about my life.
pressing pause for important parts of life to figure out what might be happening.
always so afraid.
and i wish that you would genuinely care about me for once.
is it so selfish for me to want someone to help me figure myself out?
whatever. i'm done preaching to you if you won't listen.
and you haven't listened so far, so i'm giving up hope.
cry into the pillows and pretend that they care
because we all know that no one else does
try to forget what's going on in my life
and pretend i'm running away.
always trying to escape from myself
afraid that if i stop running, i'll have to figure myself out.
we wouldn't want that, now would we?

/frustration

dear people who make california's laws:

this sucks.
i know that there's a problem with how things have to work, but i don't get why this has to project on us.
you say that you want us to be educated, that education is the key to the future, and yet you're taking away some of the best teachers and increasing class sizes. don't you get it? this will only help us to FAIL. we won't get the attention we need, we won't get the instruction we need, and we'll end up failing and being screwed over in the long run.
and it's like we have no say, no one has a say but you.
we are feeling alone and angry, and we want to do something about this.
but all we can see you doing is turning a blind eye and a deaf ear.
this is OUR FUTURE that you're fucking with.
and we aren't going to take this lying down.
we will make you see that this is not all that we have in us, that we will fight for our cause.
because it's really shitty that you want us to learn, and yet you're preventing us from learning well.
i know that this one stupid, angry letter from an angry teenager won't make that much of a difference, but please. have some compassion. half of the teachers that are getting laid off aren't getting fired because of the quality of their teaching, but how long they've been teaching. and some teachers i consider to be among the best while others aren't. and many of these teachers have children, and can't afford to lose their jobs.
plus, do you realize that with gas prices so high and unemployment rates rising, we are steadily digging ourselves into an even bigger hole, getting ourselves into even more trouble than we are already in? we will essentially be in another great depression.
i know you're thinking, "kid, what are you trying to prove?"
i'm trying to say that you can lay off our favorite teachers, who some of us even consider almost "friends," you can make entire families go bankrupt and either have to move to somewhere more affordable (namely, not in california) or be homeless, because you have that power. but what is it going to do in the long run? it's only going to cause more problems than some "reckless teenagers" protesting these school budget cuts. it's going to cause people who have gone to school to be less educated than previous generations. it's going to cause more homeless people, more "lunatics" on the side of the streets with their cardboard signs, begging for money or clothes or toys. it's going to cause another era of desperation and confusion. and you can stop all of this from happening by simply keeping our teachers, keeping our education budget the same.
i know, i probably care too much about this.
but honestly, it is one of the only things that matters to me thus far in life.

thanks for reading my rant,
alyssa.

"honey, honey, honey, you're the death of me."

crying until i can't anymore
so afraid of what could be
watched the colors fade to blue
and tried to forget you were there
and that i wasn't alone.
do you know how much i'm hurting?
but not just because of you.
wouldn't want you to get a big head, now would we?

i want to sleep for a few days or years and just stop living my life.
i want a life exchange.
my everything hurts, and i'm so afraid.
trying not to let you know how hard i'm crying from all this pain.
"i don't cry because the walls are too thin and i don't want anyone to hear me being human."
except i do cry, only under the cover of my music.
you only think that you know me, but there's a whole other part of me that you can't begin to understand.
just because you think you know me doesn't mean that you do, and i wish you'd stop saying you get me when you obviously don't.

"too good to be true to me."

growing up and out
running out of time and away from my past, present and future
what else is left now?
everything seems too good to be true
except the truth, of course.

i'm sorry that you had to find out this way, but at least you figured it out
i'm sorry that i can't do this anymore
i'm sorry that i'm not what you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry for everything that i might have done to you.
but most of all, i'm sorry that you don't believe me when i say i'm sorry, that i don't make myself sound sincere enough, but this is as real as i get, and if you can't figure that out, maybe this shouldn't happen.
maybe this was all just a bad idea.

we can chase away these tears/fears

i wanted to trace shapes in the stars with you again, but it was too cloudy to see them.
maybe this is a sign.
"we're written in the stars," except i can't read it.
maybe it's illiteracy. or maybe it's common sense.
who can tell at this point?
i am a giant waste.
of time, money, space.
i'm just waiting for you to figure it out.
don't waste anything on me anymore.
i'm begging you.

"you caught me off guard"

dreams of sixteen
city lights blurred out of the limo windows
driving around town
music up as high as it would go
"bus drivers" and water in champagne glasses
the longest laughs
the strangest surprises
pull an all nighter for the rest of my days
staying up and falling asleep with my friends close by
all that i need for forever is you by my side
waste another night pretending this is how it'll be for the rest of our days
kings and queens in our own respects
we own this city. we owe this city.

the video game of my life
pretending the night away
stay close and strong
"no entry" to the darkest recesses of my soul
just keep on believing the lies, believing that i'll be okay, that we'll always be together.
always (not so) fashionably late.
just a little behind the curve
dying to catch up
"i came last in the human race" never described me better than it does right now

i wish i didn't have this question mark for a heart.

just too excited to sit still

we're all going to hell. it all just depends on how fast.

immoral and immortal are just a letter off.
sometimes i try to forget that.

when have i ever been good enough to deserve anything but what i've got?

i never thought i'd have to justify myself to someone i loathe.
just you wait
with all your put-downs and injustices
just you wait
i will show you all up
i will be stronger and better than you ever imagined
i will do what i want to do
i will be the one that you want to be
and i will never, ever look back and say "oh yeah i know you."
i will say "fuck you." and walk away
because that's all that you deserve.
all i've ever been told was:
"sit down, shut up, do what you're told."
or "just flash a smile in their direction, kiss their ass just a little bit more."
well fuck that,
even though it may have gotten people places before
but i just can't take that lifestyle anymore.
fuck you.
in the end i will come out on top.
unless high school really is a microcosm of the world
then we're all fucked for sure.

"i forget so much of what i write its beginning to scare me"
i remember so much of what i write that it's beginning to scare me.

you think you have it so hard, just look at the world around you.
tell me that there isn't something wrong
that there isn't something missing.
because i feel it
every.
fucking.
day.
and i don't see how you can pretend that this is alright.
it's people like you that make this world work
so you tell me if that's a good thing or not.

there is an ache inside of me
i want this to be okay again
i want us to be okay again.
i want to take you by the hand and tell you that i can make this last forever.
but honestly, who am i kidding?
i don't know how you feel.
i don't know you as well as i'd like.
i don't even know if i'm going to make it to tomorrow without wanting to leave this town for good.
but i so desperately want something concrete
something real
something that i can call my own
and maybe, just maybe, you can be that something.
but i have a feeling you won't.

"stop hiding inside the horrible weather."
well i would, but this just seems so much more fun than anything else
i sleep in the rain
i live for the cold fronts
i am the wind whipping your hair at your face
screaming in your ears
i am the fucking weather channel
and i am never predicting that it will be sunny and 75
because that's just how i roll, baby
swing with the punches.
or the wind that i send your way
whatever suits the occasion better.

i am so sick of this life
can i please get an exchange somewhere?

can't live with you
can't live without you.
why can't i just make up my fucking mind?

this heart is just barely beating.
someone put it out of its misery.

"so when you say forever can't you see? you've already captured me."

when this life starts to fall apart, i hope that you can help me put it back together.
i hope that we can find the time to be something.
because when it gets bumpy, i want to be the one telling you everything will work out.
i want to be there, holding your hand through it all.
i want to be the one who hugs you when you are crying.
and i want you to be able to hug me back.
i'm so afraid of running out of time,
so afraid that you won't be mine
too afraid to look ahead
and too ashamed to look behind.
i need to live in the present more.
i'm so afraid that i'm falling in love with you.
but i think i'm more afraid that you aren't in love with me.
don't you get it? everything i ever do is because i want to try to control my feelings.
and i should learn that it will never happen.
i just don't want to feel alone anymore.

i know it's only been two days since i posted, but i had to say this

this will probably appear somewhat sappy and stupid, but i don't care what you think.
this is solely for one person. and she will probably only hear this from me once. ever. so here it is.

dear you,

i know that we have never been the BFFS ZOMG that everyone makes us out to be. we have fought and we have not talked. we have laughed together and cried together. but we will always be sisters. always.

i know that i have sometimes been the annoying little sister that you hated to be seen with. i embarrassed you in front of everyone. i always picked a fight. i never could listen to anything you said. but i have also been the one that you could talk to. i have been the one that has the same interests, the same style, same taste as you. one could even call us friends. we have grown closer over the years, and i am so thankful that these past few years have been the greatest for us.

you taught me how to be a good sister, a good friend. now i know how it feels to be taken under an older sister's wing and shown around. i know how it feels to be excluded and down. i know how to be a good older sister for daniella. it's just hard for me.

and now, looking ahead, we have only about 8 or 9 short months together, and that is it. after those months, you will go off to college and i will stay here. i can't believe that you're actually graduating. you know what you will do with your life, and that is wonderful. i just hope you won't forget to call like EVERY day and tell me exactly what's happening. because i want to know.

you are my friend, my family, my sister. we go to concerts together. we go to the beach, music cranked up, singing as loud as we possibly can. we have been made fun of and we have fought each other and the world. but we have stayed together through it all. and i'm so afraid of what will happen when you leave.

you were never the best friend that i wished was my sister. you were my sister. for better or worse, we were stuck together. and we have had good and bad times together, i know. sometimes it was my fault, others it was yours. but we have stayed together for so long, whether it be because of blood or because of friendship. we have been with each other for my entire life, and i want to stay that way.

i love you with all of my heart. you are one of the two people in the world that i can call the most sacred of names. you are my sister.

love always,
me.

"i am a treasure chest filled with trash."

i feel numb. maybe from the cold, maybe from the cold shoulder. who knows?

curling up inside of myself never sounded like such a good idea. aren't you glad that i thought of it? i thought so.
walking outside of my body for a little while. i'll probably be someplace warmer, or possibly someplace colder. i don't know yet, i'll send you a fucking postcard once i get there and figure myself out. so sorry if you're not satisfied with me lately, i've been mia for a while now.

take your "best friends" and "i love you"s and shove them in my face. i get it.
but honestly, i find myself wondering if you get it lately. and i don't think you do. well here it is, so open your eyes and your mind as it will only come around this once. you were the reason that i slept in the rain last night. not him, not anyone else. you. and i just wish that for once you could see that i'm not happy, that i'm not going to be alright. you're hurting me.
and the saddest part is that you don't even know. you'll probably read this and have no clue what i'm talking about. well open your fucking eyes. it's all right there in front of you.
"don't you dare tell me about true fucking love."

"when they rip the tickets i hope i'm on the ride with you. sleepless in seattle and pretty much everywhere else- won't bore you with the details, but actually i probably will. you don't have to be a train to come off track. don't have to have feathers to flee the coop...we're flypaper baby- but nothings sticks. molded from teflon and porcelain. doesn't take much shining around for you to want to get back under that rock you crawled out from. i found a point when i was searching for pointlessness...you only think i'm blooming when i'm wilting on the outside. dying to be dearly forgotten, not wrongly remembered."
"i want love in handcuffs. i want more scars. i dont want this fucking future. meth bake sales to lower global warming. sweat shop work to burn calories. i hope this ship burns before it sinks. i hope this plane's air goes bad before it crashes. i don't want this to be an affair anymore, i want to walk down the aisle with catastrophe. lets go to hell just for the weekend. your happiness is making me miserable. waste the time of my life...please don't put me back together, keep me in a box under your bed."
strangely intrigued with opening up to strangers and not letting the ones closest to me in. don't blame me-you're the one who thought you'd actually mean something to me. now that you think you don't, what exactly are you going to do about it? don't tell me that you'd be so naive as to actually believe anything i ever said.
"i won't make the same mistakes." well i sure as hell hope you won't-i hope you learned from them like i never will. but i for one cannot make any promises. i know too well that i'll just end up breaking them anyways.

i know you are trying so desperately to understand this. and it really makes me laugh that i know how to get to you in the worst way. have you ever thought that i was only your friend because you were my enemy first?
a new spin on the whole "life" thing. as well as "friendship".
finding a way has always been my weak point.
why couldn't you just tell me to do something stupid like pretending to know what i'm doing? we all know how good i am at that.

i know you're sick of me, but i really don't give a flying fuck.

"everyone’s a letdown, it just deepens on how far down it can go"

"close, but no cigar."
well then what the fuck is the point of the lighter if there's nothing to do with it? well i suppose that i could find a way to ruin your day. whether it be burning these bridges and closing myself off or setting fire to your lawn.
i like to think of myself as capable of being eloquent, but not willing to be. you can call it vulgarity, or stupidity, or whatever the fuck you'd like. do i really look like i care anymore?


can't seem to make the pieces of the puzzle fit together, no matter which way i turn them. sometimes it looks like they'd go together, but now i'm doubting my ability to tell the obvious. maybe it's because this isn't so glaringly obvious to me.
i change my mind as often as i change my clothes. so why should this be any different than anything else?
i half wished that it was you climbing the walls of my house. but i know it wasn't.
your voice almost lulled me to sleep. it gave me a false sense of security anyways, for what it's worth.
can we stop being such a fucking cliche for just one second?


when you said that you were waiting on my lawn, i half wanted to believe you. but i couldn't.
another day wasted getting my hopes up. when will i ever learn?
i don't want to stay down and out. i wish that you could tell me how to be more like you.sometimes i want to believe you so badly. i wonder why i can't.


writing is my new form of therapy. it's much better than going to my room and screaming until my lungs bleed. so say what you will.
and besides, when have i ever wanted your opinion anyways? yeah that's right. never.
all i've become lately is a big "fuck you". and you probably want to shove those words back down my throat.
"i get it. i got it. i gut it."
so why haven't you tried to make me eat anything that i've said yet?

i could show you your insides, but i know that even you're too scared of exposing them to anyone but yourself.
i have a strange obsession with making you squirm. i think it is what i want to do for the rest of my life.

we're all just too fragile. that's why there's a wall around me.
we all put up a facade every day.
when did i ever ask you to try to break it down?
yeah, i didn't think i asked either. but thanks for playing.
the consolation prize of life is disappointment and an eternity of me. in other words, you are sent to hell. it's colder here than you originally thought, isn't it?

everyone's just a letdown. so it's only fitting that i'm the biggest one of them all.
"same shit, different day."

when did i ever start hitting the snooze button on my life?
15 for the rest of my days.

best friends to the end. or maybe not.

sometimes you are so blind.
you either ignore or don't want what's put in front of you for the taking.

sometimes i wish i was you.
i wish that i had a guy always waiting for me.
that i could be so happy, so good at hiding my emotions.
i wish that just for one day, i could understand how you work the way you do.

i know we're supposed to be best friends, but sometimes i just feel like strangling you.

"is this the way to carry on?"

finals week.
all i can seem to think of is whether we'll have a class next term.
or not.
i don't know which would be better.

i tried throwing caution to the wind, but it worked as well as spitting in the wind.
it hit me back in the face.
i guess i'll just have to wait until i'm in a different position in my life.
or until the winds change.

all i can think of is being that much closer to getting out.
is it wrong to want to leave here?
california screams of desolation.
you may see it as an oasis, but all i see is a wasteland.
maybe that's just your thing.
or maybe it's mine.
i want a climate that matches my life. is it so wrong to not be sunny and 75 all the time?

i cannot concentrate with all this confusion in my brain.
i will surely shatter.
or fail.
whichever best suits the mood.

all i wanted was to study you for a bit.
see how you tick and why you're always so sunny.
but i was never any good at science or math, and i just couldn't make 2+2=4.
i know there is a reason that i am never happy.
that you never hear my real life.
or see my real smile.
or my real self.
i just haven't figured it out yet.

i have sold my soul to the music.
it's all about the beats of our hearts making the rhythm of a song.
the words making you want to cry yourself to sleep or stay up until you figure it all out (the way that i find myself doing most nights).
the melodies getting stuck in your head on repeat until you feel like your head will explode.
the voice being so unforgettable that you forgot the face already.
love it or leave it baby, but you know you can only get the package deal with me.

you only seem to love me in a keyboard situation.
maybe this is all we'll ever be: an unread blog and a conversation that never keeps going for long enough.
maybe this is all you ever intended.
but i know that it sure as hell is far from what i wanted.

"chase all the clouds from the sky"

bare branches reaching up into an almost summery blue sky. almost like they're hoping to catch the wisps of clouds flying across the blue expanse.
going head to head with my best friend. dreaming and laughing like there's nothing wrong in the world.
fuck shooting stars, i wish i had a cloud in my pocket.
trace all the shapes that we possibly can.
take some of the cotton candy or maple syrup of the clouds, touch the spiky branches, and then switch. and when you're all done, wash your hands of this affair in the blue.
silly bear.
i wish i was like you, always smiling, even when things are wrong.
but i know that happiness never lasts forever.

"take the pain out of love and then love won't exist"

i take back everything i ever said to make you feel like i loved you.
because no matter how much i do want us to happen, i feel like i'm just wasting my time waiting for you.
i'm the best example of how you shouldn't turn out.
you're the best example of how people like me corrupt and devour people like you.
we were a match made in hell.
the devil must be having a really good laugh at the two of us right about now.


the future scares me.
i'm more afraid of tomorrow than i am of anything else.
i'm afraid that i either won't live to see it, or that i will.
and i don't know which one is worse.
i don't want you to see me this way.
i don't want to seem like i'm less than anything you've built me up to be.
i must be strong for your sake.
and honestly, being strong is only making me weaker.
i'm so afraid that someone will notice that something isn't right.
that i cry quietly before bed each night.
i want so desperately to get lost in my fantasies, to have them all come true so that i can just escape this life.
i want to run and never ever look back because i'm so afraid of what i'll see. it'll be enough to make me want to come back, it'll trap and suffocate me more ideally than before. i'll have nowhere to run.
i'm so afraid to look into your eyes because i don't want to see the disappointment that's written in them. i'm afraid that you took me for someone much better, someone much...more than i am. because i'm a little person. i do whatever pleases me because i don't think that i can please anyone else. i'm the worst kind of person that you could ever meet.
i'm scared to death that tomorrow will bring me more disappointment, more ways to screw up. and then you'll all love me less and less because you'll realize that i AM human, that i do make mistakes, and that i'm not all you've cracked me up to be. and i'd hate for you to hate me just because i'm such a disappointment. there are really so many other reasons to hate me for.
and i'm scared to death that i'll die without doing the thing that i was put here to do, the one thing that's screaming at me to pay attention, the one thing that i keep ignoring in favor of what everyone else wants me to do.

there is a reason for this, i am certain of it.
but what is it?