this is insanity. this is life.

sick of being sick
bored out of my mind.
is it just me or am i starting to get another fever?
whatever, i'm so over this.
that seems to be my new theme: being over stuff.

constantly trembling.
i don't know if it's from the fear
the hunger
the exhaustion
the boredom
the anxiety
the stupidity.
but it's always there
a reminder of my frailty.

"please stop hyperventilating
it'll all be okay in a while
just calm yourself down for now
it'll all be over soon, we can go on pretending like you're ok."
but i can't stop these tears from escaping
i can't pretend that i'm not scared
i cannot stay calm with this needle in my arm
i can't pretend the hospital bracelet's not there.

"so it seems i'm someone i've never met."
apparently, i'm wonderful
i'm awful
i'm a saint and a sinner
i'm every goddamned thing you could possibly think of
all at once.
nobody loves me, everyone just likes their impression of me;
their idea of how they think i am
but no one really knows me
that is something i think i will have to take to my grave.
but i hope to god that i won't.

i am afraid of you. of all of you.
i don't show it, but i am.
i am afraid of your reactions, of your criticism, of your thoughts.
i always want to hope that deep down, i'm wrong about you
but i never am.
and that's what kills me inside sometimes.

i want to go out and interact with people
i want to walk around and feel ok
i want to be ok
is that so hard to imagine?
a world where i am not angry and sad and annoyed by everything?
where little things don't set me off and big things don't make me want to die?
where nothing is too big for someone else to help me with?
my body is wracked by coughs
and it is hurting from the illness and something else that we can't quite grasp yet
my soul is aching from the many times it's been torn down and rebuilt
my heart is breaking from the times that you have crashed into it.
is everyone happy now?
you have all created an existence for me that i would rather not have anymore.
you have made me numb and totally defenseless
you have made me uncaring and ruthless
you have made me what i am today
i can't even imagine happiness without thinking that someone will ruin it.
are you satisfied now?

i think that i can now be classified as legally insane. i'm talking to myself and in two different minds all the time.
thanks for that, by the way.

please, do stop by sometime.
i'd love to hear everything that's wrong with me.
not really, but i'll pretend to for your sake.
because it's never about me, is it?