when have i ever been good enough to deserve anything but what i've got?

i never thought i'd have to justify myself to someone i loathe.
just you wait
with all your put-downs and injustices
just you wait
i will show you all up
i will be stronger and better than you ever imagined
i will do what i want to do
i will be the one that you want to be
and i will never, ever look back and say "oh yeah i know you."
i will say "fuck you." and walk away
because that's all that you deserve.
all i've ever been told was:
"sit down, shut up, do what you're told."
or "just flash a smile in their direction, kiss their ass just a little bit more."
well fuck that,
even though it may have gotten people places before
but i just can't take that lifestyle anymore.
fuck you.
in the end i will come out on top.
unless high school really is a microcosm of the world
then we're all fucked for sure.

"i forget so much of what i write its beginning to scare me"
i remember so much of what i write that it's beginning to scare me.

you think you have it so hard, just look at the world around you.
tell me that there isn't something wrong
that there isn't something missing.
because i feel it
every.
fucking.
day.
and i don't see how you can pretend that this is alright.
it's people like you that make this world work
so you tell me if that's a good thing or not.

there is an ache inside of me
i want this to be okay again
i want us to be okay again.
i want to take you by the hand and tell you that i can make this last forever.
but honestly, who am i kidding?
i don't know how you feel.
i don't know you as well as i'd like.
i don't even know if i'm going to make it to tomorrow without wanting to leave this town for good.
but i so desperately want something concrete
something real
something that i can call my own
and maybe, just maybe, you can be that something.
but i have a feeling you won't.

"stop hiding inside the horrible weather."
well i would, but this just seems so much more fun than anything else
i sleep in the rain
i live for the cold fronts
i am the wind whipping your hair at your face
screaming in your ears
i am the fucking weather channel
and i am never predicting that it will be sunny and 75
because that's just how i roll, baby
swing with the punches.
or the wind that i send your way
whatever suits the occasion better.

i am so sick of this life
can i please get an exchange somewhere?

can't live with you
can't live without you.
why can't i just make up my fucking mind?

this heart is just barely beating.
someone put it out of its misery.