is it so selfish to need someone to love me?
i know i am not perfect.
i am not pretty or charming or nice or sweet.
but i'm a person too.
and it kills me to be this way.
can no one find it in themselves to love me?

i am alive. i am me.
i'm not what you want me to be.
i'm not so perfect as you'd like to see.
but then, i don't really care
i can't be anyone else
i'll never change myself just for you
because you're insignificant too.
and someday, it'd be nice to be loved
"keep dreaming."
and that's what i intend to do.

this summer.

this summer is the summer of sleep.
the summer of goodbyes
of sadness
anger
new beginnings
getting away.
it is the summer that i have to face my worst fears.

"this is how we'll be. oh glory."

all this goddamned shit has been going on in my mind and i cannot think or feel.
too much shit going on in my life.
i am stressed, sleep deprived, hungry, and alone.
i feel like something good might happen if i let it.
but of course not.
he only has eyes for you, and i kind of wish that it wasn't true.
i mean, i understand. who could see me when you're standing right here?
always stealing the spotlight. i am overlooked and underappreciated.
fuck that.
i want to be seen, heard, felt.
i want to be loved genuinely.
i get that you're so much better than me, that you're perfect. but would it kill people to see me once in a while?

you're two at a time
and everything seems fine
but when i'm alone no one seems to see
they just let their eyes pass over me
always overlooked and you never care
is it really any wonder that i never want to be there?
i lock myself in my room, cry myself to sleep
and you never even notice, you don't hear a peep
is this how my life is going to be?
always an image and never me?

just in case you're wondering, you're wrong.
you cannot read me like you thought you could.
you do not know me and you never will.
you don't even care, and i guess that's how it'll be.
we are not sisters, we are just girls.
we are not family, we are strangers.
don't you get it?
you will never know who i am or how i feel or what i think.
you will never want to know.
and i believe that is the saddest part of all.
because while you're denying it with every word, i know that you aren't blind.
so stop playing the fool.
step off of the stage because you are not an actress.
i can see right through you.
you are not the brick wall you try to be. you are as transparent as glass.
and since you so desperately want to, you can quit. because you were never a player in the game. or so you would have me believe.
deep down, i know that there was never a chance with you standing in the spotlight.
there was never a chance for me to shine. never a chance for me to steal the show for once. but i was naive enough to believe that you might actually give me a fighting chance for once. silly me. after all, how was i to know that you were playing a dog-eat-dog game, and i let you tie me up and roast me over the fucking fire?

i mean, what the fuck have i ever done to you in the first place?
all of this year, i thought we were friends. i thought that us hanging out and having a good time meant something. i actually am really sad about you leaving.
but i guess that it was all another game. another trick.
because you are actually ready to leave me behind. you're ready to cut me deep and then pour an entire pound of salt in the wound. you're ready to leave me in the dust, and you're ready to take me down with claw and tooth if necessary.
and i should've seen this coming.
i mean honestly, what did i expect?
that we would be the best friends i had always dreamed we would become?
that everything was going to get better and you'd change your mind and stay here with me?
that you'd be willing to step out of the way and willingly let me have something that i actually want for once?
that you'd actually be nice to me or get closer to me just because we're sisters?
who was i kidding?
we are nothing but two girls who live in the same house.
you still "have to beat me in a race."
but when you said that, i didn't think that you actually meant the rest of our lives.
i guess i should've looked more closely.

o s, hpomh piy pg ,u ,omf

sometimes i want to live life without you in it.
i want to be normal again.
"this isn't your week."
try "this isn't your life."
i want to pound my head against the keyboard
and maybe then you'll read what i've written
because i just can't seem to get through to you anymore
this is me talking to myself again
this is me going clinically insane.
i kind of wish you could see me:
frustrated beyond belief
anxious
afraid
hurting
i cannot sit still and i cannot focus.
i feel like i should be institutionalised.
i want to run away and never look back
keep my foot on the pedal and not stop for anything.
crash into the car in front of me and never regret a thing.

"who would miss me if i died?"
"who would miss me?"
what's the point anymore?
what's the point in trying if it gets me nowhere?
you know this is all talk, that i'd never be able to do anything.
that i'd never let myself crack that much.
i may be unhinged, but not completely.
you know that i'm too afraid to do anything more than contemplate.
sometimes i wish that you didn't, though.

second star to the right?
not on your life.
try one to the left
and maybe you'll guess.
this is what i've become.
are you happy i'm so numb?

the spreading cold.

lately, i've been just numb
so fucking numb
i can't feel anything but pain
can't see anything but what's right in front of me
caged in by the light and the bars
the only emotion i've had for what seems like decades was the flicker of happiness the other day
and even that wasn't enough for me.
what is the point anymore if it won't matter in the long run?
what is the point of doing my homework and being a good girl if it doesn't count for anything?
so tired
so numb
so lost
help me find my way home.
this might be a cry for a savior
or perhaps i should just stay lost
never found
always broken
you are near to my heart even when i say i don't care.
or whatever's left of my heart for what it's worth.
there is a coldness inside of me
creeping through my bones
covering my heart and my lungs with a veil of frost.
i cannot feel.
i cannot think.
i cannot hope to get rid of it.
i can only stand by helplessly and let it take over my life.
this is what i have become.
are you happy now?
i'm so numb.