"is this the way to carry on?"

finals week.
all i can seem to think of is whether we'll have a class next term.
or not.
i don't know which would be better.

i tried throwing caution to the wind, but it worked as well as spitting in the wind.
it hit me back in the face.
i guess i'll just have to wait until i'm in a different position in my life.
or until the winds change.

all i can think of is being that much closer to getting out.
is it wrong to want to leave here?
california screams of desolation.
you may see it as an oasis, but all i see is a wasteland.
maybe that's just your thing.
or maybe it's mine.
i want a climate that matches my life. is it so wrong to not be sunny and 75 all the time?

i cannot concentrate with all this confusion in my brain.
i will surely shatter.
or fail.
whichever best suits the mood.

all i wanted was to study you for a bit.
see how you tick and why you're always so sunny.
but i was never any good at science or math, and i just couldn't make 2+2=4.
i know there is a reason that i am never happy.
that you never hear my real life.
or see my real smile.
or my real self.
i just haven't figured it out yet.

i have sold my soul to the music.
it's all about the beats of our hearts making the rhythm of a song.
the words making you want to cry yourself to sleep or stay up until you figure it all out (the way that i find myself doing most nights).
the melodies getting stuck in your head on repeat until you feel like your head will explode.
the voice being so unforgettable that you forgot the face already.
love it or leave it baby, but you know you can only get the package deal with me.

you only seem to love me in a keyboard situation.
maybe this is all we'll ever be: an unread blog and a conversation that never keeps going for long enough.
maybe this is all you ever intended.
but i know that it sure as hell is far from what i wanted.