i know it's only been two days since i posted, but i had to say this

this will probably appear somewhat sappy and stupid, but i don't care what you think.
this is solely for one person. and she will probably only hear this from me once. ever. so here it is.

dear you,

i know that we have never been the BFFS ZOMG that everyone makes us out to be. we have fought and we have not talked. we have laughed together and cried together. but we will always be sisters. always.

i know that i have sometimes been the annoying little sister that you hated to be seen with. i embarrassed you in front of everyone. i always picked a fight. i never could listen to anything you said. but i have also been the one that you could talk to. i have been the one that has the same interests, the same style, same taste as you. one could even call us friends. we have grown closer over the years, and i am so thankful that these past few years have been the greatest for us.

you taught me how to be a good sister, a good friend. now i know how it feels to be taken under an older sister's wing and shown around. i know how it feels to be excluded and down. i know how to be a good older sister for daniella. it's just hard for me.

and now, looking ahead, we have only about 8 or 9 short months together, and that is it. after those months, you will go off to college and i will stay here. i can't believe that you're actually graduating. you know what you will do with your life, and that is wonderful. i just hope you won't forget to call like EVERY day and tell me exactly what's happening. because i want to know.

you are my friend, my family, my sister. we go to concerts together. we go to the beach, music cranked up, singing as loud as we possibly can. we have been made fun of and we have fought each other and the world. but we have stayed together through it all. and i'm so afraid of what will happen when you leave.

you were never the best friend that i wished was my sister. you were my sister. for better or worse, we were stuck together. and we have had good and bad times together, i know. sometimes it was my fault, others it was yours. but we have stayed together for so long, whether it be because of blood or because of friendship. we have been with each other for my entire life, and i want to stay that way.

i love you with all of my heart. you are one of the two people in the world that i can call the most sacred of names. you are my sister.

love always,
me.

"i am a treasure chest filled with trash."

i feel numb. maybe from the cold, maybe from the cold shoulder. who knows?

curling up inside of myself never sounded like such a good idea. aren't you glad that i thought of it? i thought so.
walking outside of my body for a little while. i'll probably be someplace warmer, or possibly someplace colder. i don't know yet, i'll send you a fucking postcard once i get there and figure myself out. so sorry if you're not satisfied with me lately, i've been mia for a while now.

take your "best friends" and "i love you"s and shove them in my face. i get it.
but honestly, i find myself wondering if you get it lately. and i don't think you do. well here it is, so open your eyes and your mind as it will only come around this once. you were the reason that i slept in the rain last night. not him, not anyone else. you. and i just wish that for once you could see that i'm not happy, that i'm not going to be alright. you're hurting me.
and the saddest part is that you don't even know. you'll probably read this and have no clue what i'm talking about. well open your fucking eyes. it's all right there in front of you.
"don't you dare tell me about true fucking love."

"when they rip the tickets i hope i'm on the ride with you. sleepless in seattle and pretty much everywhere else- won't bore you with the details, but actually i probably will. you don't have to be a train to come off track. don't have to have feathers to flee the coop...we're flypaper baby- but nothings sticks. molded from teflon and porcelain. doesn't take much shining around for you to want to get back under that rock you crawled out from. i found a point when i was searching for pointlessness...you only think i'm blooming when i'm wilting on the outside. dying to be dearly forgotten, not wrongly remembered."
"i want love in handcuffs. i want more scars. i dont want this fucking future. meth bake sales to lower global warming. sweat shop work to burn calories. i hope this ship burns before it sinks. i hope this plane's air goes bad before it crashes. i don't want this to be an affair anymore, i want to walk down the aisle with catastrophe. lets go to hell just for the weekend. your happiness is making me miserable. waste the time of my life...please don't put me back together, keep me in a box under your bed."
strangely intrigued with opening up to strangers and not letting the ones closest to me in. don't blame me-you're the one who thought you'd actually mean something to me. now that you think you don't, what exactly are you going to do about it? don't tell me that you'd be so naive as to actually believe anything i ever said.
"i won't make the same mistakes." well i sure as hell hope you won't-i hope you learned from them like i never will. but i for one cannot make any promises. i know too well that i'll just end up breaking them anyways.

i know you are trying so desperately to understand this. and it really makes me laugh that i know how to get to you in the worst way. have you ever thought that i was only your friend because you were my enemy first?
a new spin on the whole "life" thing. as well as "friendship".
finding a way has always been my weak point.
why couldn't you just tell me to do something stupid like pretending to know what i'm doing? we all know how good i am at that.

i know you're sick of me, but i really don't give a flying fuck.

"everyone’s a letdown, it just deepens on how far down it can go"

"close, but no cigar."
well then what the fuck is the point of the lighter if there's nothing to do with it? well i suppose that i could find a way to ruin your day. whether it be burning these bridges and closing myself off or setting fire to your lawn.
i like to think of myself as capable of being eloquent, but not willing to be. you can call it vulgarity, or stupidity, or whatever the fuck you'd like. do i really look like i care anymore?


can't seem to make the pieces of the puzzle fit together, no matter which way i turn them. sometimes it looks like they'd go together, but now i'm doubting my ability to tell the obvious. maybe it's because this isn't so glaringly obvious to me.
i change my mind as often as i change my clothes. so why should this be any different than anything else?
i half wished that it was you climbing the walls of my house. but i know it wasn't.
your voice almost lulled me to sleep. it gave me a false sense of security anyways, for what it's worth.
can we stop being such a fucking cliche for just one second?


when you said that you were waiting on my lawn, i half wanted to believe you. but i couldn't.
another day wasted getting my hopes up. when will i ever learn?
i don't want to stay down and out. i wish that you could tell me how to be more like you.sometimes i want to believe you so badly. i wonder why i can't.


writing is my new form of therapy. it's much better than going to my room and screaming until my lungs bleed. so say what you will.
and besides, when have i ever wanted your opinion anyways? yeah that's right. never.
all i've become lately is a big "fuck you". and you probably want to shove those words back down my throat.
"i get it. i got it. i gut it."
so why haven't you tried to make me eat anything that i've said yet?

i could show you your insides, but i know that even you're too scared of exposing them to anyone but yourself.
i have a strange obsession with making you squirm. i think it is what i want to do for the rest of my life.

we're all just too fragile. that's why there's a wall around me.
we all put up a facade every day.
when did i ever ask you to try to break it down?
yeah, i didn't think i asked either. but thanks for playing.
the consolation prize of life is disappointment and an eternity of me. in other words, you are sent to hell. it's colder here than you originally thought, isn't it?

everyone's just a letdown. so it's only fitting that i'm the biggest one of them all.
"same shit, different day."

when did i ever start hitting the snooze button on my life?
15 for the rest of my days.

best friends to the end. or maybe not.

sometimes you are so blind.
you either ignore or don't want what's put in front of you for the taking.

sometimes i wish i was you.
i wish that i had a guy always waiting for me.
that i could be so happy, so good at hiding my emotions.
i wish that just for one day, i could understand how you work the way you do.

i know we're supposed to be best friends, but sometimes i just feel like strangling you.

"is this the way to carry on?"

finals week.
all i can seem to think of is whether we'll have a class next term.
or not.
i don't know which would be better.

i tried throwing caution to the wind, but it worked as well as spitting in the wind.
it hit me back in the face.
i guess i'll just have to wait until i'm in a different position in my life.
or until the winds change.

all i can think of is being that much closer to getting out.
is it wrong to want to leave here?
california screams of desolation.
you may see it as an oasis, but all i see is a wasteland.
maybe that's just your thing.
or maybe it's mine.
i want a climate that matches my life. is it so wrong to not be sunny and 75 all the time?

i cannot concentrate with all this confusion in my brain.
i will surely shatter.
or fail.
whichever best suits the mood.

all i wanted was to study you for a bit.
see how you tick and why you're always so sunny.
but i was never any good at science or math, and i just couldn't make 2+2=4.
i know there is a reason that i am never happy.
that you never hear my real life.
or see my real smile.
or my real self.
i just haven't figured it out yet.

i have sold my soul to the music.
it's all about the beats of our hearts making the rhythm of a song.
the words making you want to cry yourself to sleep or stay up until you figure it all out (the way that i find myself doing most nights).
the melodies getting stuck in your head on repeat until you feel like your head will explode.
the voice being so unforgettable that you forgot the face already.
love it or leave it baby, but you know you can only get the package deal with me.

you only seem to love me in a keyboard situation.
maybe this is all we'll ever be: an unread blog and a conversation that never keeps going for long enough.
maybe this is all you ever intended.
but i know that it sure as hell is far from what i wanted.

"chase all the clouds from the sky"

bare branches reaching up into an almost summery blue sky. almost like they're hoping to catch the wisps of clouds flying across the blue expanse.
going head to head with my best friend. dreaming and laughing like there's nothing wrong in the world.
fuck shooting stars, i wish i had a cloud in my pocket.
trace all the shapes that we possibly can.
take some of the cotton candy or maple syrup of the clouds, touch the spiky branches, and then switch. and when you're all done, wash your hands of this affair in the blue.
silly bear.
i wish i was like you, always smiling, even when things are wrong.
but i know that happiness never lasts forever.

"take the pain out of love and then love won't exist"

i take back everything i ever said to make you feel like i loved you.
because no matter how much i do want us to happen, i feel like i'm just wasting my time waiting for you.
i'm the best example of how you shouldn't turn out.
you're the best example of how people like me corrupt and devour people like you.
we were a match made in hell.
the devil must be having a really good laugh at the two of us right about now.


the future scares me.
i'm more afraid of tomorrow than i am of anything else.
i'm afraid that i either won't live to see it, or that i will.
and i don't know which one is worse.
i don't want you to see me this way.
i don't want to seem like i'm less than anything you've built me up to be.
i must be strong for your sake.
and honestly, being strong is only making me weaker.
i'm so afraid that someone will notice that something isn't right.
that i cry quietly before bed each night.
i want so desperately to get lost in my fantasies, to have them all come true so that i can just escape this life.
i want to run and never ever look back because i'm so afraid of what i'll see. it'll be enough to make me want to come back, it'll trap and suffocate me more ideally than before. i'll have nowhere to run.
i'm so afraid to look into your eyes because i don't want to see the disappointment that's written in them. i'm afraid that you took me for someone much better, someone much...more than i am. because i'm a little person. i do whatever pleases me because i don't think that i can please anyone else. i'm the worst kind of person that you could ever meet.
i'm scared to death that tomorrow will bring me more disappointment, more ways to screw up. and then you'll all love me less and less because you'll realize that i AM human, that i do make mistakes, and that i'm not all you've cracked me up to be. and i'd hate for you to hate me just because i'm such a disappointment. there are really so many other reasons to hate me for.
and i'm scared to death that i'll die without doing the thing that i was put here to do, the one thing that's screaming at me to pay attention, the one thing that i keep ignoring in favor of what everyone else wants me to do.

there is a reason for this, i am certain of it.
but what is it?