"this is how we'll be. oh glory."

all this goddamned shit has been going on in my mind and i cannot think or feel.
too much shit going on in my life.
i am stressed, sleep deprived, hungry, and alone.
i feel like something good might happen if i let it.
but of course not.
he only has eyes for you, and i kind of wish that it wasn't true.
i mean, i understand. who could see me when you're standing right here?
always stealing the spotlight. i am overlooked and underappreciated.
fuck that.
i want to be seen, heard, felt.
i want to be loved genuinely.
i get that you're so much better than me, that you're perfect. but would it kill people to see me once in a while?

you're two at a time
and everything seems fine
but when i'm alone no one seems to see
they just let their eyes pass over me
always overlooked and you never care
is it really any wonder that i never want to be there?
i lock myself in my room, cry myself to sleep
and you never even notice, you don't hear a peep
is this how my life is going to be?
always an image and never me?

just in case you're wondering, you're wrong.
you cannot read me like you thought you could.
you do not know me and you never will.
you don't even care, and i guess that's how it'll be.
we are not sisters, we are just girls.
we are not family, we are strangers.
don't you get it?
you will never know who i am or how i feel or what i think.
you will never want to know.
and i believe that is the saddest part of all.
because while you're denying it with every word, i know that you aren't blind.
so stop playing the fool.
step off of the stage because you are not an actress.
i can see right through you.
you are not the brick wall you try to be. you are as transparent as glass.
and since you so desperately want to, you can quit. because you were never a player in the game. or so you would have me believe.
deep down, i know that there was never a chance with you standing in the spotlight.
there was never a chance for me to shine. never a chance for me to steal the show for once. but i was naive enough to believe that you might actually give me a fighting chance for once. silly me. after all, how was i to know that you were playing a dog-eat-dog game, and i let you tie me up and roast me over the fucking fire?

i mean, what the fuck have i ever done to you in the first place?
all of this year, i thought we were friends. i thought that us hanging out and having a good time meant something. i actually am really sad about you leaving.
but i guess that it was all another game. another trick.
because you are actually ready to leave me behind. you're ready to cut me deep and then pour an entire pound of salt in the wound. you're ready to leave me in the dust, and you're ready to take me down with claw and tooth if necessary.
and i should've seen this coming.
i mean honestly, what did i expect?
that we would be the best friends i had always dreamed we would become?
that everything was going to get better and you'd change your mind and stay here with me?
that you'd be willing to step out of the way and willingly let me have something that i actually want for once?
that you'd actually be nice to me or get closer to me just because we're sisters?
who was i kidding?
we are nothing but two girls who live in the same house.
you still "have to beat me in a race."
but when you said that, i didn't think that you actually meant the rest of our lives.
i guess i should've looked more closely.