i am a monster.

i am so tired of this.
of the way that we are, the way that we always are either at odds or warily (almost) together.
of pretending for everyone else's sake that i'm alright.
i hate the lies, the pretending. it makes my life so much harder to live with. all my happiness, almost everything that i say is a lie. and i hate it.
i hate how you either want all or nothing. and when you have all, we always find a way to fuck it up.
i hate how you ignore me. it's like a slap to the face when i'm walking by and everyone tells you to say something to me and you don't. when i walk by and hope that you'll at least look at me and you don't. i hate it. it's driving me insane. i already feel guilty enough without you making things worse. i can't be within the same football stadium as you voluntarily. i hate it.
i hate this feeling. how much that i want to be done with you or just be what we should be. i hate not being able to stand being within the same state as you without wanting to die. i hate this guilt, this anger. i hate the way that you make me feel. and yet i love it. i'd be lying if i said that it wasn't easier or more fun to just hate the world. or just one person. i am such a masochist. i am a monster.

i am a monster. and i can't be changed back into a human on my own.