"take the pain out of love and then love won't exist"

i take back everything i ever said to make you feel like i loved you.
because no matter how much i do want us to happen, i feel like i'm just wasting my time waiting for you.
i'm the best example of how you shouldn't turn out.
you're the best example of how people like me corrupt and devour people like you.
we were a match made in hell.
the devil must be having a really good laugh at the two of us right about now.


the future scares me.
i'm more afraid of tomorrow than i am of anything else.
i'm afraid that i either won't live to see it, or that i will.
and i don't know which one is worse.
i don't want you to see me this way.
i don't want to seem like i'm less than anything you've built me up to be.
i must be strong for your sake.
and honestly, being strong is only making me weaker.
i'm so afraid that someone will notice that something isn't right.
that i cry quietly before bed each night.
i want so desperately to get lost in my fantasies, to have them all come true so that i can just escape this life.
i want to run and never ever look back because i'm so afraid of what i'll see. it'll be enough to make me want to come back, it'll trap and suffocate me more ideally than before. i'll have nowhere to run.
i'm so afraid to look into your eyes because i don't want to see the disappointment that's written in them. i'm afraid that you took me for someone much better, someone much...more than i am. because i'm a little person. i do whatever pleases me because i don't think that i can please anyone else. i'm the worst kind of person that you could ever meet.
i'm scared to death that tomorrow will bring me more disappointment, more ways to screw up. and then you'll all love me less and less because you'll realize that i AM human, that i do make mistakes, and that i'm not all you've cracked me up to be. and i'd hate for you to hate me just because i'm such a disappointment. there are really so many other reasons to hate me for.
and i'm scared to death that i'll die without doing the thing that i was put here to do, the one thing that's screaming at me to pay attention, the one thing that i keep ignoring in favor of what everyone else wants me to do.

there is a reason for this, i am certain of it.
but what is it?