this is possibly the most optimistic i've seemed to be in a long time.

sitting on the couch watching you play legend of zelda.
pretending to be doing my homework.
eating something unsatisfying.
is this what my life has become?
i'm always hungry nowadays.
nothing seems to fill me up.
no matter how much i eat, i am still hungry and empty.
"oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me. and it's torment you put me through..."

"you think that having older friends makes you smarter, more mature. but the truth is, you're just a kid like the rest of us, having to deal with the same stuff that we do."
and you're right. i'm not smarter or more mature, and i do have to deal with shit. every day. and it hurts so much sometimes that i just want to cry. but having older friends makes me realize that things can be okay again. things won't always be this way. i won't always have to deal with the same shit that i have to deal with now. i won't have to worry about high school and what people think of me and grades and all that stupid shit. things will be better one day. so i should just stop feeling sorry for myself, get off my lazy ass, and accomplish something already. but i know deep down that i won't stop feeling sorry for myself, because i'm so wrapped up in myself. i won't get off of my ass, and i won't accomplish anything at this moment in life, because i'm not motivated. it's just the simple truth. i am not going to grow up any faster than you are, so don't be afraid that you're falling behind. all will be right in your little world again. i know how you hate being one step behind me.

i'm beginning to be afraid again. i'm hurting and scared and just not myself anymore. again.
i don't want you to worry, but i want you to care. i don't get how that's supposed to work either, but tell me when you figure it out.
i am so afraid that i'm going to run out of time. that i won't be able to accomplish everything that i want to.
and i so desperately want to know what is wrong with me, and yet i similarly don't want to know. i think that if i knew that i was dying, it might inspire me in some ways to get a move on with what i want to do, but it might depress me even more. i'm afraid that if i knew, i wouldn't want to go on anymore. that i wouldn't have a reason to try to accomplish anything, that i'd just laze around the house and never do anything. i don't want to be the one who was forgotten, who let life slow her down.
i want to be remembered, i want to make a mark on this world, and yet i'm so afraid of where it will take me. i'm afraid that i won't have any friends, that i won't actually make it, that i'd grow to be so afraid of everyone that i wouldn't be able to trust anymore.

i don't know where this road that i'm headed on is going to take me, but i hope to god that it's somewhere that i want to be. and i'm going to follow it, even if it means giving up my life. i am devoted to something bigger than i am, a feeling that is too big for me. i want to share it with the whole world. i want to be something bigger than i am right now. i'm not making much sense, but i have it somewhat figured out in my head.