there are people out there who have seen true horrors.
who have a reason for not wanting to go on anymore.
and then there is me.
i have a loving family and great friends.
and i still find reasons to hate my life.
still find a reason to cry each night.
what is wrong with me?

i think that the reason that i like the joker so much is because i relate to him.
i put the laughter in slaughter.
i always keep a smile on this face to hide the tortured soul. even when i don't want to.
i am insane.
but the reason that he hasn't taken over me is because i have batman inside of me too.
i keep my true identity hidden.
i have to be strong for everyone else's sake.
i am whatever you need me to be. whether you need me to be a villain or a friend. a hero or a shoulder to cry on. i will always be whatever i need to be in order to survive. in order to help you survive.
i am gotham city.
who will win in the long run?

i am a lover and a fighter.
these emotions cannot coexist.
i will self destruct before i get the chance to live.

i want my foot on the gas and a thousand miles between me and here.
i want to run and never have to look back.
i want to escape from everything.
i want a moment alone to figure myself out.
i will be famous. i know it.
whether it is for being a mass muderer or for my voice, people will know my name.
i am determined.

i love how you say "it's only money" but you're also the cheapest person i know.
but that's okay, you're not as big of a contradiction as i am.
i am waiting for someone to notice me. to notice how far from okay i really am.
even when i break down, no one seems to see or care.
best friends? fuck you. you barely know me.

"would you please either make up your mind or leave me alone?"
just waiting for you.

"i'm obsessed and stressed with this mess, i can't think of things..."
exactly how i feel.

my life is defined by quotes.

"return to sender--not at this address"

vacant smile and no emotion in my eyes.
a cool voice and a polite offer of coffee.
this is what i have become.

looking forward to getting out of the state if it means that i don't have to think about you.
not looking forward to how i'm getting out.
i want a full tank and my foot on the gas.
i want to go 125 mph and never look back.
i want to run and never have to see this town again.
"go outside and get some fresh air."
oh how i wish that i could.

what would you have me do?
i try and put some distance between us, and you hate me.
i try and make amends, and you accuse me of playing with your emotions.
i don't see a middle ground here.
"peace sign without the index finger."

maybe i was right in telling you to fuck off.

alone and cold on a hot summer's day.

maybe freezing is my internal temperature.

or maybe it's just this cold shoulder i'm giving you.

either way, it works for me.

i am a monster.

i am so tired of this.
of the way that we are, the way that we always are either at odds or warily (almost) together.
of pretending for everyone else's sake that i'm alright.
i hate the lies, the pretending. it makes my life so much harder to live with. all my happiness, almost everything that i say is a lie. and i hate it.
i hate how you either want all or nothing. and when you have all, we always find a way to fuck it up.
i hate how you ignore me. it's like a slap to the face when i'm walking by and everyone tells you to say something to me and you don't. when i walk by and hope that you'll at least look at me and you don't. i hate it. it's driving me insane. i already feel guilty enough without you making things worse. i can't be within the same football stadium as you voluntarily. i hate it.
i hate this feeling. how much that i want to be done with you or just be what we should be. i hate not being able to stand being within the same state as you without wanting to die. i hate this guilt, this anger. i hate the way that you make me feel. and yet i love it. i'd be lying if i said that it wasn't easier or more fun to just hate the world. or just one person. i am such a masochist. i am a monster.

i am a monster. and i can't be changed back into a human on my own.