"everything means nothing"

the city sleeps in oblivious peace.
i want to blow it into oblivion.
i want it to feel the same way i feel on a daily basis.
the quiet lull
the calm before the storm
the heat before the winter
the last struggle
what is it all worth after all is said and done?
you and i were always the calm and the storm that follows.
i don't know what we are now.
i know that you want something that i just can't give to you.
i want to be happy, i want to feel normal.
but this just isn't right
and we'd be kidding ourselves if we tried to make it work.
i cannot function in perfection.
i always say that i want to be happy, but i always end up hurting myself.
i guess it's my body's way of protecting itself.
either that or the self-destruct button.
whichever works best.

i am still scared.
and you still don't care.
trying to keep a brave face for everyone else around me
doing my best to keep my cool when i'm totally not cool
trying to seem alright so you don't know that i'm freaking out
because you so obviously don't care.
it's not keeping me up at night anymore because i can't afford to lose sleep.
it's not making me cry anymore because i've run out of tears.
it's strange how one can grow used to hurting and being afraid.
how i can just go on with my life and pretend i'm alright.
but this, more than anything else that is happening in my life or has happened recently, is the single scariest thing in my mind.
and it's so much easier to just push it away.
it makes me want to make it even more now.
i want to do all of the things that i have dreamed about.
i want to make something of my life before it's over.
because that day seems like it's looming in the not-so-distant future.
i am so scared that each day will be my last.
so tired of doing the same shit that i do every day when i could be doing something great.
so frustrated that i'm stuck here, too afraid to voice my dreams, and not actually going after them, but just doing mundane tasks.
trying to speak out, but no one wants to listen.
trying to make myself heard, but there's no one around to hear.
i really know how to clear a room.
now more than ever, i either want to be normal or radically different.
i want my jar of dirt.
i want your heart next to mine, no matter how much i say that i don't.
i want to tell everyone everything that i think about them and not have to be afraid of the consequences.
more than anything, i want to live the rest of this life without being afraid.
no more fear of the past, of the future, of the present
of the inevitable, ever-present sense of death hanging over me
of what might happen if i did something
i'm tired of being a coward, of living behind this mask and costume
i could never play the hero, i could never do what bruce wayne does.
i'm sick of pretending that i'm the person you all want me to be.
NEWSFLASH: the only reason you like me is because i'm not who you all think i am.
i am not cool, calm, collected, strong, smart, pretty, whatever the fuck you all think. i am a scared, insane, selfish, dying little girl who just wants to curl up in bed and have her daddy chase the monsters away. i am a bad influence, a bad person in general. i am my own monster. i am the most insane person you will ever meet. or maybe i am the most sane person ever, and i am stuck in a loony bin, labelled as being too boring, too normal, too good to be true. i am running away from everything that you're all being herded towards, swimming against the crowd. i am godzilla and i am tokyo. "i am a treasure chest filled with trash."
the only thing i want is to stay home and make cookies all day. i want to watch ferris bueller's day off and aladdin until my eyes are aching and my head is reeling and my skin is pasty and my ears are falling off. i want to run away from what i am sure is the verdict in this court case life. i want to leave you all wondering, i want to make you all think. i want to be bigger than you ever imagined. i want to blow you away, and maybe i would like to be happy one day. or rather, maybe i will let myself be happy one day.
everything is only appearances. people only think that i am happy because they don't look deep enough. they see the friends, the family, the school, the clothes, the house, and they think, "well that girl might want some things, but she surely doesn't need much. she must be happy." well here's the truth: i never asked for any of this. i've never deserved this, and it's driving me insane living in this house, this neighborhood, with these fake and annoying people and pretending that i fit in. i am manic. i am on the verge of depression. i can probably be classified as clinically insane. but none of that matters, because i don't appear to be any of those things. i seem happy because i smile. i seem smart because i read. i don't seem needy because my parents are great providers. but they don't realize that i'm not happy, i'm not a genius, and that i'm a selfish little pig. i destroy everything that i come in contact with. i am the biggest train wreck you'll ever meet. and that's exactly what draws people to me like a fly is drawn to flypaper. i am a trap. and i'm sort of thankful, because no one wants to see the train that runs like it should. everyone wants to see a tragedy. but that's not really an invitation to look in through the windows of my sheltered house of glass.
i am repeating myself. i am contradicting myself.
i tell you to save me, then i tell you to fuck off. i can't make up my mind.
i wish someone would just tell me what i want, what i'm supposed to do. just like they used to when i was young.
i want to cry, but i'm too afraid you'll see. and we wouldn't want anyone to find out i'm human, would we?
but i know that the only people who will ever read this don't know me, don't care about me, probably won't even remember me. and that is my goal in life. i want you to remember me when i am gone.

"and when her edges soften, her body is my coffin"

breathing on a schedule
have to ration this air
savoring each breath like it's my last
only living when it's convenient.
only want to be around others so i can pretend i'm okay.
only want to be alone because i can't pretend anymore.
i live for pretending.
always screaming on the inside
out of terror, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever.
i am a constant scream.
i want to go to the top of a hill and just let it all out
life rushes around me and i am stuck in this feeling of helplessness.
too caught up in everything else to care about my life.
pressing pause for important parts of life to figure out what might be happening.
always so afraid.
and i wish that you would genuinely care about me for once.
is it so selfish for me to want someone to help me figure myself out?
whatever. i'm done preaching to you if you won't listen.
and you haven't listened so far, so i'm giving up hope.
cry into the pillows and pretend that they care
because we all know that no one else does
try to forget what's going on in my life
and pretend i'm running away.
always trying to escape from myself
afraid that if i stop running, i'll have to figure myself out.
we wouldn't want that, now would we?

/frustration

dear people who make california's laws:

this sucks.
i know that there's a problem with how things have to work, but i don't get why this has to project on us.
you say that you want us to be educated, that education is the key to the future, and yet you're taking away some of the best teachers and increasing class sizes. don't you get it? this will only help us to FAIL. we won't get the attention we need, we won't get the instruction we need, and we'll end up failing and being screwed over in the long run.
and it's like we have no say, no one has a say but you.
we are feeling alone and angry, and we want to do something about this.
but all we can see you doing is turning a blind eye and a deaf ear.
this is OUR FUTURE that you're fucking with.
and we aren't going to take this lying down.
we will make you see that this is not all that we have in us, that we will fight for our cause.
because it's really shitty that you want us to learn, and yet you're preventing us from learning well.
i know that this one stupid, angry letter from an angry teenager won't make that much of a difference, but please. have some compassion. half of the teachers that are getting laid off aren't getting fired because of the quality of their teaching, but how long they've been teaching. and some teachers i consider to be among the best while others aren't. and many of these teachers have children, and can't afford to lose their jobs.
plus, do you realize that with gas prices so high and unemployment rates rising, we are steadily digging ourselves into an even bigger hole, getting ourselves into even more trouble than we are already in? we will essentially be in another great depression.
i know you're thinking, "kid, what are you trying to prove?"
i'm trying to say that you can lay off our favorite teachers, who some of us even consider almost "friends," you can make entire families go bankrupt and either have to move to somewhere more affordable (namely, not in california) or be homeless, because you have that power. but what is it going to do in the long run? it's only going to cause more problems than some "reckless teenagers" protesting these school budget cuts. it's going to cause people who have gone to school to be less educated than previous generations. it's going to cause more homeless people, more "lunatics" on the side of the streets with their cardboard signs, begging for money or clothes or toys. it's going to cause another era of desperation and confusion. and you can stop all of this from happening by simply keeping our teachers, keeping our education budget the same.
i know, i probably care too much about this.
but honestly, it is one of the only things that matters to me thus far in life.

thanks for reading my rant,
alyssa.

"honey, honey, honey, you're the death of me."

crying until i can't anymore
so afraid of what could be
watched the colors fade to blue
and tried to forget you were there
and that i wasn't alone.
do you know how much i'm hurting?
but not just because of you.
wouldn't want you to get a big head, now would we?

i want to sleep for a few days or years and just stop living my life.
i want a life exchange.
my everything hurts, and i'm so afraid.
trying not to let you know how hard i'm crying from all this pain.
"i don't cry because the walls are too thin and i don't want anyone to hear me being human."
except i do cry, only under the cover of my music.
you only think that you know me, but there's a whole other part of me that you can't begin to understand.
just because you think you know me doesn't mean that you do, and i wish you'd stop saying you get me when you obviously don't.

"too good to be true to me."

growing up and out
running out of time and away from my past, present and future
what else is left now?
everything seems too good to be true
except the truth, of course.

i'm sorry that you had to find out this way, but at least you figured it out
i'm sorry that i can't do this anymore
i'm sorry that i'm not what you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry for everything that i might have done to you.
but most of all, i'm sorry that you don't believe me when i say i'm sorry, that i don't make myself sound sincere enough, but this is as real as i get, and if you can't figure that out, maybe this shouldn't happen.
maybe this was all just a bad idea.