"this is the way the world ends. not with a bang but a whimper"

all i have become is an excuse.

i will not show my defeat
i will not back down
i will not surrender
i will not whimper.
i will rage and advance and pretend that i'm under control.
whine and complain and fight.
i will do everything in my power to refrain from admitting my demise.
i would have you believe that i am strong, independent, creative, smart.
but that's all just a lie. a mask.
and i wish i could just say, "halloween's over," and take the mask off, but it's not so simple as that.

is it sad how i wait up to talk to you each night, but i only think of him beside me as i fall asleep?
is it sad that i'm still thinking of him?
this is wrong. i am not supposed to be thinking like this.
i scorn and despise him. i am incapable of loving him.
and yet, something draws me closer.
damn this heart of mine.
it will get me into a lot of trouble one day.
well, more than it already has, i suppose.

i am a mess. i am lost.
no matter how carefully put together i look, i am all jumbled on the inside.
no matter how calm i seem, i am calling for a savior from the chaos beneath it all.
i act reassuring, but all i really need is someone to reassure me.
i should get over my pride and ask for someone's help.
show a little weakness in order for someone to care about me.
but i am so used to figuring things out and dealing with things on my own, and i can't just let someone see inside of me. not when i worked so hard to put up these walls and keep everyone out.
i am afraid of crying in public. terrified of the pity stares and the confusion and the questions. scared that everyone will see that i am weak, that i am just like everyone else. because i love being a superhero.
and yet i feel closer to tears each day as i go out of my room.
i feel the lump in my throat building and the tears stinging my eyes. and i try to push it all to the back of my mind and try to be happy and normal for your sake. but it doesn't work.
i don't have normal conversations, preferring to watch from the sidelines. i space out more than i should, losing myself in my worries and my thoughts. i am afraid that i am worrying you, though i'm probably not. and i'm not sure which hurts more.
time is running out. i can sense it. there is a chasm inside of me that is widening with each breath that i take, with each tear that i don't shed. i am slowly consumed by the darkness day by day. i carry it all on my shoulders, all by myself. i want to leave my worries at the door, but never seem to be able to.
i am getting goosebumps in 80 degree heat. i am crawling further into my shell, desperately trying to fend off the cold inside of me. and by doing so, i am alienating myself from everyone around me, everyone that has (n)ever cared.
i fall asleep trembling and wake up unable to open my eyes.
i am incomprehensible even to myself, and i cannot stand it.
i know that something is coming. i can just feel it. something will break this calm. or this storm. whichever way you want to look at it. but something will change. be it for better or worse, i have no clue. but it terrifies me either way.

i am always hungry and always tired.
i am a prisoner and a refugee. a patient in my own home, minus the freedom of leaving.
i want to scream and cry and make a huge scene, i want to do something rash. i want to hurt or break or destroy something. but i don't have the energy to do anything but type/write about it.

i have a constant headache and heartache. though i'm not too sure if it's my heart or my lungs or my bones or my muscles causing it. and neither are they, so it doesn't really matter what the cause is. all i know is that it constantly hurts near my heart beyond belief. i wake up in the middle of the night, crying and writhing and trying desperately not to shriek in pain for fear of waking everyone else. it hurts to just think about it. and it is slowly destroying me. that is the reason for me being tired. i cry myself to sleep because it hurts so much. i wake up in the middle of the night, gasping and sobbing and biting my cheeks and grinding my teeth and rubbing my feet together so i can forget the pain. that is the slow torture i am put through each day. that is why i bite my cheek so much, why i clench my hands into fists, why i bite my lips and close my eyes. i am trying to forget about how much it hurts, trying not to let you see how much pain i am in. this is what is killing me, if not physically then mentally at least.

the pain of you knowing is sometimes greater than the pain of you not knowing. because what would you really do if i told you? you would probably treat me like i was even more fragile. like a child. i would never be left alone, you would all hover. and you would all speak of me in hushed tones at the times that you'd think i couldn't hear. and that would kill me. i cannot stand your pity, be it fake or genuine. that is the one thing that will hurt me more than not caring.

this is possibly the most optimistic i've seemed to be in a long time.

sitting on the couch watching you play legend of zelda.
pretending to be doing my homework.
eating something unsatisfying.
is this what my life has become?
i'm always hungry nowadays.
nothing seems to fill me up.
no matter how much i eat, i am still hungry and empty.
"oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me. and it's torment you put me through..."

"you think that having older friends makes you smarter, more mature. but the truth is, you're just a kid like the rest of us, having to deal with the same stuff that we do."
and you're right. i'm not smarter or more mature, and i do have to deal with shit. every day. and it hurts so much sometimes that i just want to cry. but having older friends makes me realize that things can be okay again. things won't always be this way. i won't always have to deal with the same shit that i have to deal with now. i won't have to worry about high school and what people think of me and grades and all that stupid shit. things will be better one day. so i should just stop feeling sorry for myself, get off my lazy ass, and accomplish something already. but i know deep down that i won't stop feeling sorry for myself, because i'm so wrapped up in myself. i won't get off of my ass, and i won't accomplish anything at this moment in life, because i'm not motivated. it's just the simple truth. i am not going to grow up any faster than you are, so don't be afraid that you're falling behind. all will be right in your little world again. i know how you hate being one step behind me.

i'm beginning to be afraid again. i'm hurting and scared and just not myself anymore. again.
i don't want you to worry, but i want you to care. i don't get how that's supposed to work either, but tell me when you figure it out.
i am so afraid that i'm going to run out of time. that i won't be able to accomplish everything that i want to.
and i so desperately want to know what is wrong with me, and yet i similarly don't want to know. i think that if i knew that i was dying, it might inspire me in some ways to get a move on with what i want to do, but it might depress me even more. i'm afraid that if i knew, i wouldn't want to go on anymore. that i wouldn't have a reason to try to accomplish anything, that i'd just laze around the house and never do anything. i don't want to be the one who was forgotten, who let life slow her down.
i want to be remembered, i want to make a mark on this world, and yet i'm so afraid of where it will take me. i'm afraid that i won't have any friends, that i won't actually make it, that i'd grow to be so afraid of everyone that i wouldn't be able to trust anymore.

i don't know where this road that i'm headed on is going to take me, but i hope to god that it's somewhere that i want to be. and i'm going to follow it, even if it means giving up my life. i am devoted to something bigger than i am, a feeling that is too big for me. i want to share it with the whole world. i want to be something bigger than i am right now. i'm not making much sense, but i have it somewhat figured out in my head.

this is insanity. this is life.

sick of being sick
bored out of my mind.
is it just me or am i starting to get another fever?
whatever, i'm so over this.
that seems to be my new theme: being over stuff.

constantly trembling.
i don't know if it's from the fear
the hunger
the exhaustion
the boredom
the anxiety
the stupidity.
but it's always there
a reminder of my frailty.

"please stop hyperventilating
it'll all be okay in a while
just calm yourself down for now
it'll all be over soon, we can go on pretending like you're ok."
but i can't stop these tears from escaping
i can't pretend that i'm not scared
i cannot stay calm with this needle in my arm
i can't pretend the hospital bracelet's not there.

"so it seems i'm someone i've never met."
apparently, i'm wonderful
i'm awful
i'm a saint and a sinner
i'm every goddamned thing you could possibly think of
all at once.
nobody loves me, everyone just likes their impression of me;
their idea of how they think i am
but no one really knows me
that is something i think i will have to take to my grave.
but i hope to god that i won't.

i am afraid of you. of all of you.
i don't show it, but i am.
i am afraid of your reactions, of your criticism, of your thoughts.
i always want to hope that deep down, i'm wrong about you
but i never am.
and that's what kills me inside sometimes.

i want to go out and interact with people
i want to walk around and feel ok
i want to be ok
is that so hard to imagine?
a world where i am not angry and sad and annoyed by everything?
where little things don't set me off and big things don't make me want to die?
where nothing is too big for someone else to help me with?
my body is wracked by coughs
and it is hurting from the illness and something else that we can't quite grasp yet
my soul is aching from the many times it's been torn down and rebuilt
my heart is breaking from the times that you have crashed into it.
is everyone happy now?
you have all created an existence for me that i would rather not have anymore.
you have made me numb and totally defenseless
you have made me uncaring and ruthless
you have made me what i am today
i can't even imagine happiness without thinking that someone will ruin it.
are you satisfied now?

i think that i can now be classified as legally insane. i'm talking to myself and in two different minds all the time.
thanks for that, by the way.

please, do stop by sometime.
i'd love to hear everything that's wrong with me.
not really, but i'll pretend to for your sake.
because it's never about me, is it?

over it.

you are not the reason behind the sorrow in my eyes or the tears that i cried.
there is other stuff that does not concern you in my life.
this is what moving on looks like.
are you afraid that maybe i'm the one who's more confident this time around?
are you afraid that maybe i'm over you?

here's a newsflash: i'm done with you.


someone make my life into an 80s power ballad.

"stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me"

amidst everything else, you keep coming back into my life.
i'm worried, i'm freaking out, i'm stressed
and you seem to make it all worse.
and it kind of hurts how you keep saying you "like" my sister.
i mean, come on.
you know that i'm still confused about us.
if there even is an us.
you're sending me weird signals
one day you won't leave me alone
the next you're avoiding me
and then you get mad because i don't understand you?
well fuck you.
you're too confusing, and you're just wasting my time.
yeah i said it.
YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.
i'm done trying to understand you.
i know i've said this before, but i am really going to try to forget about you.
you don't matter anymore.
does it hurt?

everything is flooding back to me.
the way that you liked me and i refused to like you, because i was afraid that i would ruin us.
the way that i ended up liking you anyways.
the way that we were almost something.
and then the way that we weren't anything.
and how we were almost something again.
and then how we were both stupid (but it was mostly you...sorry, but it's true. how could you say that what i said didn't mean anything? fuck you, i'm done).
how we were almost something AGAIN.
and then how everything just kind of ended.
how i was doing so well at forgetting about you.
and now, the way that you want me in your life, but you don't.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
i've already made up mine.
i love how you said you wanted to be friends, and then you pushed me away.
we are too alike and not alike for our own good.
you frustrate me; i frustrate you. you annoy me; i annoy you. we balance, and yet we don't.
you are so confusing, and so simple.
a fucking enigma that i can't wrap my brain around.
well, i'm done with trying now.

my entire life is a blur.
confusion, anxiety, stress, fear, and just a smidge of happiness and hope.
everything is starting to crumble
and i know that everyone can tell
but no one dares to offer a helping hand
thanks a fucking bunch for that, by the way.
best fucking friends my ass.

i want to run away to somewhere less confusing, i want a life that is less scary and stressful, i want a world that is less crazy and evil. i want something good for once.
starting to get my life in order. just in case i don't make it. just in case i don't have the guts to do what i want. just in case.
always have a back up plan just in case i chicken out.
how's that for self-confidence?

i want to cry. every second of every day. i want to bawl my eyes out and see if anyone cares.
i am lost in the lost and found, i am alone in the crowd, i have nightmares of a normal life, i am cold in the middle of july.
i am wrong in every possible way.
i am a demon and a monster for always.
can't you see?
you chose the wrong person when you chose me.
i am raising hell and i'm bringing heaven down
i am hurt and confused and scared of everything that's around
what is wrong with me?