"this is the way the world ends. not with a bang but a whimper"

all i have become is an excuse.

i will not show my defeat
i will not back down
i will not surrender
i will not whimper.
i will rage and advance and pretend that i'm under control.
whine and complain and fight.
i will do everything in my power to refrain from admitting my demise.
i would have you believe that i am strong, independent, creative, smart.
but that's all just a lie. a mask.
and i wish i could just say, "halloween's over," and take the mask off, but it's not so simple as that.

is it sad how i wait up to talk to you each night, but i only think of him beside me as i fall asleep?
is it sad that i'm still thinking of him?
this is wrong. i am not supposed to be thinking like this.
i scorn and despise him. i am incapable of loving him.
and yet, something draws me closer.
damn this heart of mine.
it will get me into a lot of trouble one day.
well, more than it already has, i suppose.

i am a mess. i am lost.
no matter how carefully put together i look, i am all jumbled on the inside.
no matter how calm i seem, i am calling for a savior from the chaos beneath it all.
i act reassuring, but all i really need is someone to reassure me.
i should get over my pride and ask for someone's help.
show a little weakness in order for someone to care about me.
but i am so used to figuring things out and dealing with things on my own, and i can't just let someone see inside of me. not when i worked so hard to put up these walls and keep everyone out.
i am afraid of crying in public. terrified of the pity stares and the confusion and the questions. scared that everyone will see that i am weak, that i am just like everyone else. because i love being a superhero.
and yet i feel closer to tears each day as i go out of my room.
i feel the lump in my throat building and the tears stinging my eyes. and i try to push it all to the back of my mind and try to be happy and normal for your sake. but it doesn't work.
i don't have normal conversations, preferring to watch from the sidelines. i space out more than i should, losing myself in my worries and my thoughts. i am afraid that i am worrying you, though i'm probably not. and i'm not sure which hurts more.
time is running out. i can sense it. there is a chasm inside of me that is widening with each breath that i take, with each tear that i don't shed. i am slowly consumed by the darkness day by day. i carry it all on my shoulders, all by myself. i want to leave my worries at the door, but never seem to be able to.
i am getting goosebumps in 80 degree heat. i am crawling further into my shell, desperately trying to fend off the cold inside of me. and by doing so, i am alienating myself from everyone around me, everyone that has (n)ever cared.
i fall asleep trembling and wake up unable to open my eyes.
i am incomprehensible even to myself, and i cannot stand it.
i know that something is coming. i can just feel it. something will break this calm. or this storm. whichever way you want to look at it. but something will change. be it for better or worse, i have no clue. but it terrifies me either way.

i am always hungry and always tired.
i am a prisoner and a refugee. a patient in my own home, minus the freedom of leaving.
i want to scream and cry and make a huge scene, i want to do something rash. i want to hurt or break or destroy something. but i don't have the energy to do anything but type/write about it.

i have a constant headache and heartache. though i'm not too sure if it's my heart or my lungs or my bones or my muscles causing it. and neither are they, so it doesn't really matter what the cause is. all i know is that it constantly hurts near my heart beyond belief. i wake up in the middle of the night, crying and writhing and trying desperately not to shriek in pain for fear of waking everyone else. it hurts to just think about it. and it is slowly destroying me. that is the reason for me being tired. i cry myself to sleep because it hurts so much. i wake up in the middle of the night, gasping and sobbing and biting my cheeks and grinding my teeth and rubbing my feet together so i can forget the pain. that is the slow torture i am put through each day. that is why i bite my cheek so much, why i clench my hands into fists, why i bite my lips and close my eyes. i am trying to forget about how much it hurts, trying not to let you see how much pain i am in. this is what is killing me, if not physically then mentally at least.

the pain of you knowing is sometimes greater than the pain of you not knowing. because what would you really do if i told you? you would probably treat me like i was even more fragile. like a child. i would never be left alone, you would all hover. and you would all speak of me in hushed tones at the times that you'd think i couldn't hear. and that would kill me. i cannot stand your pity, be it fake or genuine. that is the one thing that will hurt me more than not caring.