"stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me"

amidst everything else, you keep coming back into my life.
i'm worried, i'm freaking out, i'm stressed
and you seem to make it all worse.
and it kind of hurts how you keep saying you "like" my sister.
i mean, come on.
you know that i'm still confused about us.
if there even is an us.
you're sending me weird signals
one day you won't leave me alone
the next you're avoiding me
and then you get mad because i don't understand you?
well fuck you.
you're too confusing, and you're just wasting my time.
yeah i said it.
YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.
i'm done trying to understand you.
i know i've said this before, but i am really going to try to forget about you.
you don't matter anymore.
does it hurt?

everything is flooding back to me.
the way that you liked me and i refused to like you, because i was afraid that i would ruin us.
the way that i ended up liking you anyways.
the way that we were almost something.
and then the way that we weren't anything.
and how we were almost something again.
and then how we were both stupid (but it was mostly you...sorry, but it's true. how could you say that what i said didn't mean anything? fuck you, i'm done).
how we were almost something AGAIN.
and then how everything just kind of ended.
how i was doing so well at forgetting about you.
and now, the way that you want me in your life, but you don't.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
i've already made up mine.
i love how you said you wanted to be friends, and then you pushed me away.
we are too alike and not alike for our own good.
you frustrate me; i frustrate you. you annoy me; i annoy you. we balance, and yet we don't.
you are so confusing, and so simple.
a fucking enigma that i can't wrap my brain around.
well, i'm done with trying now.

my entire life is a blur.
confusion, anxiety, stress, fear, and just a smidge of happiness and hope.
everything is starting to crumble
and i know that everyone can tell
but no one dares to offer a helping hand
thanks a fucking bunch for that, by the way.
best fucking friends my ass.

i want to run away to somewhere less confusing, i want a life that is less scary and stressful, i want a world that is less crazy and evil. i want something good for once.
starting to get my life in order. just in case i don't make it. just in case i don't have the guts to do what i want. just in case.
always have a back up plan just in case i chicken out.
how's that for self-confidence?

i want to cry. every second of every day. i want to bawl my eyes out and see if anyone cares.
i am lost in the lost and found, i am alone in the crowd, i have nightmares of a normal life, i am cold in the middle of july.
i am wrong in every possible way.
i am a demon and a monster for always.
can't you see?
you chose the wrong person when you chose me.
i am raising hell and i'm bringing heaven down
i am hurt and confused and scared of everything that's around
what is wrong with me?